96: More Than Anything

     After looking at my movie collection, she decides to watch Step Brothers.

     A quarter of the movie goes by, and her continued quiet finally gets to me. Sure, she'd spoken when we'd discussed her movie choice, but now, she stays quiet. I don't think it's entirely due to being engrossed in the movie. In fact, glancing at her, I wonder if she's watching it at all.

     What is she thinking about? Her eyes look far away.

     Is she thinking about him? My stomach balls up into a knot with the thought of her going back to him.

     How do I ask her about what she's thinking without it sounding needy?

     Just don't open your damn mouth, Jesse. She's here, right here in your living room, sitting next to you on your couch. I tighten the arm I have wrapped around her shoulder, and she leans her head into my chest.

     I guess I don't have to know what she's thinking. But if it comes down to having to fight for her and prevent her from going back to him, I won't back down. I'll even follow her to Champs les Sims and bug the shit outta this Andy guy. My arm stiffens. I will not lose her again! Not by anything stupid I do or anyone else trying to steal her from me.

     "Jesse…" Marie says in a constrained voice.

     "What?" I ask and immediately loosen my grasp of her.

     She lifts up a little and takes a deep breath. "You were holding me too tightly."

     I blink with wide eyes. "Sorry."

     "What's wrong?" she asks, and I take note that she doesn't ask me if anything's wrong but instead what specifically.

     Several things to say quickly dash through my mind, everything from 'nothing' to begging her not to leave me. I can't come up with anything to say that doesn't make me sound like a jerk or a whiny ass. When I open my mouth, hoping that will help, nothing comes out.

     She reaches up and caresses my cheek, running her fingers down my chinstrap and back again. I close my eyes and cherish the moment.

     "I still hurt you just by being here, don't I?" her sweet voice asks, but it doesn't sound sweet this time. No, like earlier, her words try to choke her as they leave her mouth.

     My eyes fly open. "What?! No!" The idea to just kiss her senseless to try and get across my feelings crosses my mind. No, Jesse. You can't take that out. My eyes squeeze shut as I fight myself.

     I feel her velvet lips on mine, tentatively kissing me. I can't resist reaching up and holding the back of her head as I claim her mouth. Then I pull her across my lap and happily kiss her. Oh, how wonderful to have her kiss me and make it so that I don't have to outright tell her.

     'No. Grow up.' My inner voice may be cruel, but it's right.

     "I'm worried what you think of me," I blurt out as soon as my lips leave hers. Of all the things to say, this surprises me that I'd pick this one.

     "I love you," she answers like that's all she needs to say. I still enjoy hearing it.

     I make myself explain further. "I love you too, so very much, but I worry about how you picture me. I did a pretty shitty thing to you-"

     "I forgive you," she quietly interrupts.

     I let out a huff of air as I work to keep from wilting. "Thank you. But the damage has been done. What must you think of me after I do a thing like that? What the fuck is wrong with me? Even up on the trail a little bit ago, I wanted to rip your clothes off and make love to you right then and there."

     "That's the best way you show me you love me," she answers, saying what I probably would've said as recent as a few months ago.

     My face burns a bit when I say, "So I take that thing and destroy it by doing what I did? I take this 'best way' and use it as a tool to try and bind you to me even if you might not have wanted that?" I stop talking before I release enough pent up emotion to bring on tears. Calm down. Up on the trail, she didn't act like you're crazy for wanting what you want. I still worry that she doesn't want the same things. All the stuff from my past makes me anxious.

     Bryce has told me several times that he was amazed at how I could easily bounce back after being hurt. Sure, on the outside…because I didn't want to miss a chance that might come my way, but inside, I'd be dying. It was during those months that I'd only go for the no-strings-attached fuck, even though I'd try to tell myself I was still looking for 'the one.' Then the cycle would repeat itself: find someone special, fall into a shallow-but-has-potential love, have her laugh at me or pity me, watch her leave, and be torn apart again.

     I watch as Marie closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Jesse, I understand why you did it."

     "Oh you do," I say like I don't believe a word of it. I know I did my best to explain it to her up in the woods, but I still don't think I said enough.

     "Probably more than you know. You said right there in front of you was everything you wanted. I can understand that." Her face screws up and her brows try to meet in the middle of her forehead. "I understand because it's what I want too. I tried to have it with my little brothers, and I did to some extent as I cared for them. All… I've ever wanted… more than anything was to have a family that was truly my own in every way."

     I sit and stare at her, unblinking. Even my inner voice shuts up. Did she really just say that?

     "But the mess of my life has gotten in my way," she continues, and her eyes open again. "So I know what it's like to want to jump ahead to a time when I want to be." Her breath hitches in her throat. "Is that what you meant?"

     My dreams, my wants, everything unfolds before me. A single, damn tear escapes, and I mentally curse at it. "Yes. God yes, that's what I meant." I quickly sit up and capture her face in my hands before I wildly kiss her. All she's ever wanted was her own family, held together by more than adoption papers. I consider her age. She's nineteen. She already wants this at nineteen? I certainly didn't want this at nineteen. I knew I wanted something someday, but not at nineteen. "All I've ever wanted…" Ever. She's wanted this long before now, when she was caring for her brothers. If I'm guessing right, and I think I am, she never considered any other possible life scenario.

      My next thought is ridiculous, but I still think it. How is she even real? My hands grasp at her, desperately trying to remind myself that this is actually happening, that it isn't some fantasy happening only in my head.

      I want to give it to you. Oh fuck, I wanna give it to you! I scream at her through my kiss, hoping she gets the message.

     We wind up lying down on the couch with me on top of her. I don't even try to go for second base; I only need to kiss her, to connect to her emotionally. Lord knows how much time goes by, but I treasure each moment of holding her in my arms and kissing her. The movie ends and goes to the special features screen, but we don't do anything with it.

     "I love you. I love you. I love you." I croon to her while kissing her neck and face. Maximus wants to fully take part in my rejoicing, but I tell him he's not coming out tonight. "I made your life more of a mess instead of helping you clean it up. I'm sorry. Let me truly help you. I just have to figure out how. Yes, I wanted to jump ahead. I want that whole picture, Marie. With you." I stop talking before I wind up proposing. She tenses up, but then she relaxes when I say, "In your timeframe."

     Happy little sobbing cries come out of her while she takes her turn kissing me like mad. I calm down and merely respond.

     "I missed you so much, Jesse. I can't do this without you." Her hands tightly grip my shoulders, and I'm reminded how deceptively strong she is.

     "Yeah, you could. You could do it. I still wanna help, though." I smile down at her tear-streaked face. What I need to do first suddenly pops into my head. "And you probably should head back to your place." Her eyes blink and widen. "I'll be there at the park early tomorrow. In fact, can I come pick you up?"

     "I… I thought-"

     "We still need to slow down," I say, guessing about what she was going to say.

     She shakes her head no. "I don't want to. I want you back. Just like this." Her hands caress my chest.

     I close my eyes and will my mouth to say what I need it to say. "Like this gets us nowhere. You need to heal."

     "Then we'll just sleep," she mildly argues.

     "I've proven time and again that I can't do that. I'll pick you up tomorrow," I say as I stand up and reach out a hand to help her up.

     An adorably stubborn expression shows up on her face for several seconds before a calmer one replaces it. She reaches up to let me help her up, and we quietly walk over to Bryce's house where she has her scooter parked.

     I wrap my arms around her and say, "Drive safely. Text me when you get home, please. I'll pick you up a little before eleven tomorrow morning." Then I sweetly kiss her goodnight before she gets on her scooter to drive home. I watch as she drives out of sight. Once I can no longer see her, my smile widens as I walk the short distance back to my house.

     Maybe not this house, but my house won't stay empty forever.


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In case anyone notices, yes, they're wearing different clothes than the last chapter. My desktop is dead. I took these pics on my laptop, and I don't have all the EPs installed on it.