58: Beyond the Boundaries of Friendship

Adele

    Aunt Pam lets me escape. I think she understands when I say I'm going to go to the snack truck what I'm really going to do.
    Todd had sent me a text asking me to meet him. I ate dinner at Aunt Pam's, but Todd says he's still hungry. His dad gave him a little money to go spend if he would just get lost. His dad's head chef at White Shores resort, and his mom works there too doing something I can't remember.

     I stash my bicycle in the shrubbery, and I see Todd walking up.
     "Are you sure you don't want anything? Dad gave me fifty simoleons," Todd asks me in place of a hello.
      "No. I'm good. You didn't eat dinner at your house?"
      "Yeah, I did, but there's nothing like a greasy hamburger."
       Ew, I think and watch as Todd orders his food. He orders fries as well, claiming that I can eat some if I want. I can't resist, and I get the feeling he didn't order them for himself at all because he only eats two.
      When we both finish eating (I can't believe how much he can eat!), we toss our trash in the bin and have a seat at one of the benches just because.

     The moderately-loud hum of the refrigerator for the truck tries to drown out Todd's voice as he asks, "Does your dad not like me?"
       I turn to look at him with a confused expression on my face as I ask back, "What gave you that idea?"
      "He wouldn't let me go to your aunt's."
      "Oh that. He didn't like you inviting yourself over."
      "Well, I only did that because I didn't think you would invite me. Not that you were trying to be rude or anything. I didn't think you'd think of it."
       I shrug. "I didn't."
       "So, his only problem is that I invited myself over?"
       "I guess so. He didn't say anything else besides that 'because I said so' thing," I say and move my head around on the 'because I said so' part.
       Eduardo told Helen he liked her. Naturally, she's over the moon about it, and he's all she talks about now. It drives me crazy! Can we please talk about something besides boys for a change?! The result of Helen driving me crazy and her wanting to be with Eduardo all the time this past week is that Todd and I have spent a lot of time together. With Helen driving me up the wall, I prefer his company over hers. I can guess he's not going to want to sit and talk about boys all afternoon.
      I wonder if Todd is irritated by Eduardo as much as I am by Helen.

     "Does your dad know you're here?" he asks.
     "My dad's at work. My aunt does," I say, not telling him about how I left out the part that he would be here and that that's the only reason I decided to get out in the first place. If Daddy hadn't have told me no to inviting Todd over, I might not care. What I don't get is why was Daddy willing to let Helen come over and not Todd? Sure, Todd's a boy, but what does that have to do with -
     "I like you, Adele," Todd says quietly to his knees.
     "Yeah, we're friends," I say, assuming that's what he meant.

     I see him turn to look at me out of the corner of my eye.
     "No, I mean like you like you."
     Oh no. Helen was right! I stare down at my shoes while Todd scoots closer the tiniest bit.
      "Eduardo told me I should tell you," he says.
      "Because it worked so well for him," I say dryly.
      "Well, yeah," he says, now starting to sound a little unsure of himself. He scoots a little bit closer again.
      I don't like this feeling going through me right now. Todd is freaking. me. out. I want to get up and leave. I thought Todd was going to be my new friend. There Helen goes acting weird, and I find out Todd is actually pretty cool to hang out with. Now, he obviously wants us to be a couple just like Helen and Eduardo are.
      Todd has the nerve to reach over and hold my hand.
      "Do you-" He starts to ask me something, but I throw his hand off me and get up off the bench.
      I turn to him and hope I don't start crying as I angrily ask, "Why?" I decide I really don't want to hear his answer, and instead, I turn around and run towards the relative, simple calmness of the beach.

    I hear Todd behind me yell, "Wait!"
    I can run faster than him.

     I slow down when I get closer to the water.
     How far away is the mainland? I've never been there. How long would it take me if I swam to it? I bet the sharks would eat me.
      How far away is Mommy? Why did she leave? Why did she want that man more than us?

     I hear Todd running behind me, and I quickly reach up to wipe away my tears before he can get here.

     I turn around to face Todd since there's no real point to running anyway.
     "I didn't mean to freak you out!" he pants.
     "I don't want a boyfriend," I say bluntly.
     "Oh." The small word leaves his mouth in a rush. "I ... just ... Well, I ... Why not?"

     "Because I just want a friend! Helen's gone weird on me, and all she wants to do is talk about Eduardo, and I get so bored with that! I thought we could be friends since you still acted normal. And now-"
     "We can be friends!" he gets in quickly. "Just like before. Pretend I never told you."
     "Pretend?!" I yell, and my hands start feeling hot.
     He flips his hair out of his eyes for a second before he answers, "Yes. I can do it if you can do it. I mean, hey, I've pretty much lost my best friend to your best friend, so that puts us in the same boat right?"
      "But this changes everything!" I complain as heat lightning streaks across the cloudless sky.
      "No. It doesn't have to. Please? Let's pretend I never said it. What I really need is a friend too," he says earnestly.
      "Do you really mean that?"
      "Yes," he says, looking me in the eyes.
      "Okay," I say. "And I gotta get back to Aunt Pam's."
      "Okay," he says too. "I'll see you tomorrow at school."

     We hug, and he says, "Sorry for freaking you out."
     "There's nothing to be sorry about, remember? Because nothing happened," I say back to him.
     "Right," he agrees.

Marie 

     Jesse grabs my hand and won't let go.
     I know he wants right now to count as a date, and I don't want to have to explain to him again that I'm not ready to date anyone. The last time I did that, we didn't speak for nearly a week. I'd rather go ahead and let him count this as a date than live through another week like I just had.
     I relax a little and stop trying to subtly get my hand back. Jesse notices. That's all I have to do is think about how miserable I was to make me want him to never leave.
     So what does that mean? I think as Jesse's thumb starts rubbing my hand wherever it can reach. I tell him I'm not ready to date anyone, but I don't want him to leave.
      I want him to stay, but I don't want this to count as a date.
      If it weren't for him holding my hand, I could pretend this was two friends sitting on a couch watching a movie together. He simply had to start holding my hand, didn't he?!
        I tug on my hand again. No, Jesse. Let go!
       "Why are you not wanting me to hold your hand?" he asks quietly in a somewhat-sad voice. "It's only a hand."
       I manage to find my voice, finally. "Because that's the real difference here between a date and just two friends hanging out."
      "You spent the better part of last night in my arms, Marie. I'd say that pretty much rules out the 'just friends' thing," he says, his eyes on the television as he brings my hand to his lips.

       I want to faint as he repeatedly kisses my hand, his eyes fastened upon the television. I cannot focus on what he said a minute ago because of what he does.
      No no no! This isn't happening! I gasp when his tongue slips out of his mouth for a second when he kisses my hand again.
      He turns his head in my direction a few seconds after my gasp.
      "Tell me, Marie. What is it about this scenario that bothers you the most?" His eyes look imploringly at me. "Is it me?"
       I lose my voice again. I finally shake my head no after trying unsuccessfully for several long seconds to figure out what to say.
      "Is it me being here? Do you want me to leave? I don't want to, but if you really, really need me to I will."
      "It is what you do while you're here that scares me," I say in a shaky voice.
      "Holding your hand?" he asks, and I feel unable to escape those hazel-green eyes.
      "Everything," I answer, trying not to cry.
      He watches me, concerned, for a few seconds before he closes his eyes and asks, "So you're okay with me being here so long as I don't do anything. I'm supposed to stay in one spot and not move a muscle." He chuckles a little with that thought.
      I imagine him standing perfectly still in the corner or something, not allowed to move, and I have to smile at the ridiculous picture it makes.
     "No," I say.
     He smiles when he opens his eyes before he asks, "So what then?"
     "It's when you want to do anything beyond the boundaries of friendship," I try to explain and start to feel a little bit more comfortable, finally able to say my thoughts.
     His smile leaves his face when he says, "That's terrible because I have this urgent need to kiss you." He lets go of my hand to reach up and cup my cheek. "And I'm guessing that's beyond the bounds of friendship."
     No, please! If you do, I'm lost. I try to turn away, but his grip on my face tightens.
     "I thought you liked it when I kissed you," he adds quietly. "You act like you do."
     I snap, "Of course I do! You have to know by now you're an amazing kisser. How can I not?" he leans towards me, but I'd anticipated this move. I force his hand off my face and lean back away from him.
     I hadn't counted on him wrapping his other arm around my waist, and that prevents me from scooting backwards. I press on his chest in an effort to ward him off.
      "And yet, you're stopping me," he says angrily. Then he looks like he chastises himself for getting angry. "Of course you are." The arm that has the hand that previously held my face joins its partner around my waist as he crushes me to him, shaking the tiniest bit. Next, he buries his face in my hair and asks, "Is that why you kiss me back? Simply because I'm a good kisser?"
      He's strong, I think as I feel like his arms want to hold me to him and never let go. We sit on the couch turned towards one another with him leaning into me a little. I don't really know what to do with myself. He's begging me for some verification that I kiss him back for a real reason. Oh Jesse, how do I tell you this? I really like you, but I don't know if I can be the girlfriend you need.

     His forehead plants itself in the hollow of my throat, and he exhales shakily. I don't know where to put my arms, so I rest them lightly on his.
     "Please. Answer the question," he whispers over the sound of the movie we've abandoned.
     "I'm trying to figure out what to say," I say quietly.
     He tenses up, almost like he knows what I'm trying to say and is bracing himself for it.
     "Then take all the time you need," he chokes out like he no longer wants to hear it. "Days, weeks, months, a decade ... as long as I can hold you while you think."
      My heart aches when I hear the pain in his voice as he repeats what he'd said after that first time he kissed me. Greg said the same thing to Mom when she asked him for time to rebuild their relationship. Jesse sounded so angry that day when he asked me how long it would take me to 'dump all this shit' I carry around with me. Now, he acts like he'd rather savor this moment than want to rush me ahead to a time when I'm ready to date again.
     The question was about why I kiss him back. Well, because I want to, but why do I want to?
     He runs his nose up my neck to just behind my ear. Then he reaches a hand up to hold the back of my head before he breathes, "Fuck it, Marie. I don't have to know why."

     His lips take possession of mine in a desperate kiss.
     "Jesse..." I whisper, hoping to calm him down, but instead, he uses this opportunity to deepen the kiss. I whimper like a lost child while his tongue devours me from the inside-out.
     "Admit it," he says into my lips while continuing to kiss me. "You have feelings for me too. I am not imagining this. This is not simply because I'm a good kisser. You may not feel as strongly as I do, but you like me. Why else kiss me back like that? Why else am I aching to kiss you other than that's the truest way you can show me, and I need some way to feel the love I have for you reciprocated?" He kisses me deeply again for a minute or so. "Well, I also kiss you because I want to, dammit."

     "Say it," he growls. "Say you like me."
     "I thought you didn't have to hear it."
     "I changed my mind." After a slight pause, he says, "You can't kiss me like that and feel nothing for me. Admit it." I freeze up, quiet and afraid, and he groans before kissing me hungrily.
      I've fallen into a trap from which I cannot escape. Of course I like you, Jesse! It's impossible not to like you, maybe more ... but you're going to hurt me, and I haven't recovered from the last time!
     "I love you," he says softly to me, breathing it into my soul before kissing and moving his mouth all over my face and neck.
      I can't take much more of this!
     "You're going to hurt me," I say, crying.
     "Never."
     "Yes, you will. You say you love me, and I say that was too fast. You don't know your own feelings, and one day you will figure them out and realize you never loved me. And by that time, I'll have fallen in love with you only for you to hurt me when you break up with me."
     "No, Marie! No! I'd never do that."
     "I want to believe you."
     "Because you feel something for me."
     "Yes. Okay? Yes! But-"
     He stops my continued fretting when his mouth triumphantly attacks mine.

     When he finally comes up for air, he says, "We are far beyond the boundaries of friendship, Marie. It's too late. It was too late from the second I first laid eyes on you."