36: Freight Train

Bryce

     After Adele is on her way to school, I walk back into my room and see that Erin, of course, sleeps soundly. I decide to just leave my jeans on as I carefully lay down on the bed next to her. I find it funny that when I'd left her, she'd covered herself completely with the sheets. She's kicked them off and now looks quite content on top of them.

     I love watching her sleep. I'm tired myself, but I don't want to miss this opportunity to look at her without making her uncomfortable. A small smile crosses my face as I remember how I'd lost my head on that first Friday night and told her I'd love to just do nothing but look at her all day. It was supposed to be some form of a compliment that meant that but not those actual words, but brain function had been at a minimum. It got all messed up, and I said exactly what I was thinking.

     She'd been scared to death that night, and I acted like I was under some spell. I was so happy when she started kissing me back.

     She kissed him back too, I think as I close my eyes.

     Stop it! I order myself. It was a mistake. She came to her senses and ran here, forgetting there was no one at home.

       I take a deep breath and wipe my hand across my face. Damn it, I'm tired.

      I stubbornly open my eyes and look at her face. She doesn't know how beautiful she is. I really can't believe that. Maybe she knows and tries to tell herself otherwise.

      That doesn't make sense, I think as a sleepy haze clouds my vision for a few seconds before I quickly blink it away.

       I lie here and study her every feature. I never get to do this when she has her eyes open because they're so distracting. She has the cutest little amount of freckles dotting her perfect nose and cheeks. I find looking at her lips a little dangerous because the longer I look, the more I want to kiss her awake. I force my gaze to drop to her chin and jaw, but I keep finding myself cheating a little with quick, little glances, looking at her lips anyway.

     I'm drawn right in... like a moth to the flame, I can't resist leaning down and gently kissing her, hoping that maybe I won't really wake her up.
     She stirs just a little, and she must quickly realize what's going on because she then jerks back in surprise. No! I mentally plead and reach my hand around to hold her face to mine. One of her hands gets gently laid on my shoulder as the idea of just being gentle to not wake her flies out the window.

     Holy shit, I need you, Erin! I inwardly exclaim as I take full possession of her mouth and wrap my arms around her. I need to kiss her... nothing but kiss her forever. She simply cannot go back to him. If she leaves me, I'll die. 

     I'm scared out of my mind as I cling to this woman in my arms that holds such a power over me.
     Before I know what's happening, cruel, savage pain floods my being as memories from those first few weeks after Ashley left me hit me like a freight train. I remember waking up alone that first morning after she'd left... the devastating feeling when I'd had to sign the divorce papers... Adele constantly asking 'Where's Mommy?' I never want to feel loneliness like that again, ever. I can't stand the pain of having been so humiliated and rejected, so I only hold Erin tighter.

     No, I don't want to be thinking about these things! Why now?

     Please don't ever leave me, Erin, I think as I wrap my leg around her, pinning her completely to me. I can't let you go. She starts shaking.

     Wait... no. It's me that's shaking. I'm shaking like a leaf, and I hate it.

     The phrase 'kick a man when he's down' runs through my head as I start crying. 

    How could I let this happen?! I scream at myself inside my head, thinking about how I'm crying. I feel Erin's hands on my cheeks, wiping away those damn tears. Get a hold of yourself! 

     I break the kiss because I desperately need air. I feel completely undone. I hate that she sees, but I can't let go of her.

     "Shh," she says quietly while continuing to wipe my cheeks. I keep my eyes closed and manage to get the tears to stop.

     "I'm sorry," I whisper quietly before burying my face into her neck and shoulder. Trace amounts of some perfume or something distract me enough to help me relax just a little. I wish the shaking would stop. It's embarrassing.

      "It's okay," she whispers, and then she repeats it over and over again. With each one, I have to fight to keep myself from holding her too tight and maybe hurt her. She works one of her hands free enough to run her fingers through my hair, and the shaking finally stops. I'm exhausted.
     I don't want to talk; I just want to hold her -- to hold onto her as I fight the horrible memories. She gets quiet like she's waiting for me to say something. I can't. I don't trust my voice at the moment. I can only imagine what could possibly be flying through her head right now. Pushing the memories aside proves more difficult than before, but I manage it somehow. Once that's done, my whole focus becomes taking deep breaths and holding onto her. I want to hide... but only take her with me.
    Her soft lips press against mine, but I can't respond right now.
    "I'm not going anywhere," she whispers, and I have to fight the tears away again.
     How does she know?! And what the hell has come over me?

     I kiss her lips once before wordlessly encouraging her to relax in my arms so that we can just go to sleep. She understands immediately, and I'm so glad.

    I wake up to an empty bed. I'm momentarily alarmed that Erin isn't here until I hear her downstairs, and I hear Adele.
    Adele?
    I rub my hand down my face and look at my alarm clock. It's a little past five in the afternoon.
    ?!?!?!
    I can't remember the last time I slept this much.
    It's pouring outside. I guess that's why I slept so easily since it wasn't real bright today. My head is killing me, so I get up to stumble into the bathroom in search of painkillers.

    "No, Daddy doesn't like olives," I hear Adele tell Erin as I make my way down the stairs.
    "Okay. How about we just go with pepperoni?" Erin asks her.

    "Okay. That'll work," Adele answers her while I lean against the opening to the kitchen. "Daddy!" Adele says happily after she turns to me. "We're ordering pizza!"
    "Good idea!" I say with a smile down to her. Then I look up at Erin, and she immediately blushes.
    "You were um...sleeping, so I thought... " she says then acts like she gives up trying to finish.
    "No, no! That's a really good idea. I kinda feel sorry for the delivery driver in this weather though," I say and wonder why she's still blushing. It's like she's afraid to look at me.
     Shouldn't it be me that's embarrassed? I think, wondering why she's blushing, and I realize I don't feel embarrassed at all. I feel relieved.
     Is it because I didn't put on a shirt? I think now with a wicked grin slowly spreading across my face. Her eyes cut over to me for a second as she tries to dial the number to order the pizza and screws up. She turns so that she can't see me and starts dialing the number again. If Adele weren't in here, I'd really take advantage of this situation. As it is, I decide for the less-obvious approach.
     I slowly and silently walk over to her and say quickly and quietly near her ear, "Need me to do it?"

       She nearly jumps out of her skin and promptly drops her phone on the floor.
     "Bryce! You scared the living daylights out of me!" she exclaims as I bend down to pick up the dropped phone. I can hear Adele giggling as she just stands there watching us. I'm itching to run my hand up her leg as I stand back up, but I manage to stifle that urge.
      "I think your phone is broken," I say and show her.
      "Aw, man! And I just got it," she complains as I lay the piece of junk on the counter and pull out my phone to order the pizza.

      "It must be these 'hard' tile floors," I say while it rings, and I work on not laughing, remembering Jesse yesterday. She lightly steps on my bare toe. "Ow!" I say and pull my feet out of the way as I lean against the counter.

    We're all happily sitting at the dining room table eating our pizza when the doorbell sounds. I tell Erin and Adele that I'll go see who it is, and I wonder who on earth would be crazy enough to go out in this weather.
    When I make my way to the front door, I see who it is through the glass in the door.
   "What do you want?" I ask the jackass in front of me with my arms folded.

Erin

    "I want to speak to Erin, please," I hear faintly coming from the direction of the front door, and panic fills me. I knew he'd show up again eventually, but I'd hoped they'd hold him at the station for longer. I guess Maggie couldn't convince Julian to press charges.
     I can feel Adele watching me, and I know my face must be extra pale right now.
     "Stay here, please," I ask of her and get up while I hear Bryce arguing with Sean.
    "Who is it?" she asks innocently but with a trace of worry in her voice. I don't know how to answer her. Then I hear her chair scoot back as she must be getting up.
     Damn you, Sean! And we were having the sweetest moment, I think as I briskly move down the hallway, Adele now hot on my heels.
      "No, I want you off my property," Bryce refuses his request once more.

      Sean ignores him, and his eyes cut over to me as he asks, "Erin, may I please just talk to you?"
      "I've said all I have to say a million times. Nothing's changed," I answer.
      A hurt anger fills his eyes as he now regards Adele. "So, your rebound guy has a brat."
     Adele gasps as anger fills me, but I'm immediately distracted by my anger when I see Bryce's fist connect with Sean's jaw. He doesn't wait for Sean to recover but keeps punching him, pure fury flowing out of him with every punch.

     It takes me a few seconds, but I realize if I don't do something, Bryce is going to kill him. I start yelling at him to stop, but he acts like he can't even hear me. I don't know what to do! The porch is too small to risk walking out on it and getting in the middle of that.
     Adele recovers from her shocked silence and starts yelling at Bryce as well. Sean is lying down in a bloodied puddle of water on the front porch, and I still see the rage in Bryce's face as he looks like he's debating killing my ex-fiance.
     "Bryce, don't. Step away," I say as calmly as I can manage. The calm words have reached him better than the yelling, I hope, because he stops and pants while he looks down at Sean. Sean coughs and sniffs in a disgusting manner as he tries to push himself up.
    "You don't know shit about my daughter, and my girlfriend wants nothing to do with you anymore!" Bryce growls down to him.
     He looks like he's about to say more, but I know a better way to get rid of Sean. "Bryce, let me talk to him alone for a minute," I request, and Bryce's head snaps up at me with a flabbergasted expression on his face.
    He walks silently past me with a scowl, but I can also see the hurt there. I'm going to have to fix that later. He closes the door and folds his arms, watching us from just on the other side of it. Adele leans back against the far wall, silently watching the three of us.

    "Alright, asshole. What do you want to say?" I snap.
    "I understand why you're angry, but do you have to be so hateful?" he asks, wiping his face.
    "You fucked my best friend. I think that gives me the liberty to be whatever I want," I snap, and he looks at me with an expression of shock. I didn't used to cuss like this.
     "Are you ever going to forgive me for that?" he asks pitifully. Those puppy dog eyes don't work like they used to. Instead, they just make me madder.
     "Maybe someday," I say with one hand on my hip. "But I'll never forget."
     "Give me another chance." He pauses for a second to take in a breath and say, "I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you if that's what it takes."
     I let out an exasperated huff, putting my forehead in my hand. "No. Absolutely not. You can't have a relationship without trust, and I could never trust you again."
     I see his foot take the tiniest step towards me, and he says quietly so I'm the only one to hear it, "True that you can't have it without trust, but trust can be earned. And that's all I ask. After everything we've been through, don't I at least get a second chance?"
      The littlest bit of my heart cries for his pain, and it makes me mad. Still, I can't let him see this. I straighten my face up to look at him with no emotion. "I'm not interested. I like my new life here, and I'm in love with Bryce. I don't want anything to do with you anymore." I hate that I hate the wounded look I see on his face. He needs to be wounded. Maybe that way he can get closure and finally leave me alone. "How many times am I going to have to tell you this?"

     He takes in a deep, shuddering breath before he says, "I don't know. I just can't bear the thought of the rest of my life without you." After a short pause, he says, "How can you possibly say you're in love with him? You hardly know him!"
    "Because what I feel for him is stronger than what I ever felt for you." There, I think as I see my spoken dagger went deep. He takes a step back away from me, and I've never seen anyone look so crushed.
     He blinks more frequently and rasps out, "Okay. I see."
     "Goodbye, Sean," I say, verbally hitting the hilt of the imaginary dagger with my fist.
     He doesn't say anything, and I turn around to go back into the house. Bryce takes a step back to let me walk past him, and I head upstairs to his room. Adele follows me.

Bryce

    Sean and I lock eyes as I stand here with my arms folded behind my front door, and I glare through the glass at him. He's not finished. I can see that. There's the smallest bit of determination in his face as he stares back at me. He looks down, yes, but he's not out. He walks a few steps backwards down my sidewalk before turning and walking across the street to his rental car. Only when I see the car drive down the street to I don't care where do I finally relax.
    Erin, I think as I take my stairs two at a time.

    "Adele sweetheart, I'm fine," Erin tells her quietly, looking like she's only just barely keeping herself together.
    "Daddy's here," Adele says quietly as I walk in the room.
    Adele stands up as I take two steps to where Erin sits curled up into a ball on the floor. Without asking Erin a thing, I pick her up, surprising her. She doesn't fight me though. I walk us over and have a seat on the bed.

     She's shaking, and I hold her close and curl up as I have a good guess of how she's feeling right now.