95: Hard Thing

Jesse

     My precious Marie.

     The day after the day after Christmas, I decided to back off like I should've done back in the beginning of our relationship. This past week has been another week from hell with a few small reprieves on the phone when I'd only periodically call or text her. The next phone call, I'd planned on asking her out, keeping it simple.

     I'd been getting too far ahead of myself. Much, much too far ahead of myself. Marie isn't over her ex, and I was thinking babies.

     Now, I see I made a mistake. I went too far back. Marie missed me! She's hardly said a word to me, but the way she clutched at me and kissed me spoke everything she needed to say. I held back before tonight, thinking that's what she needed, to go back to super-simple, but she's proving me wrong.

     I wish I could explain everything that's recently happened without looking like a pathetic, needy, whiny-ass pussy. I was trying to help her, even if it was killing me to do so.

     A happy sigh slips out of me as I keep lovingly kissing my precious Marie. I could make love to her right now, right here, if she'd let me, but I shouldn't, not after what I did last time. Last time went too far and almost cost me everything.

     "I've missed you," I let her know in hushed tones.

     She slaps my cheek, not hard, a tap really, enough to get her point across. My mouth opens in shock.

     Then I clamp my jaw closed, grit my teeth, and say, "Well, I didn't miss that."

     "How can you say you missed me when you were the one to push away?" she accuses.

     I let out a long exhale and lean down to bury my face in her neck and shoulders. For now, dealing with her anger doesn't feel as urgent as my need to breathe in her scent, taste her skin, feel her under my hands, and kiss her perfect lips.

     "I had to, my love. For you. I pushed you until you broke," I try to explain, but I don't know if I'll ever get her to understand. I don't know if I'll ever be able to put it properly into words.

     "I wasn't broken!" she exclaims.

     My eyes try to make out her features in the dark as I ponder what to say. "You were terrified you'd gotten pregnant."

     The question I knew she'd ask bubbles up to the surface. "Why did you do that?"

     Fear. It shoots through me like lightning. Fear of what she'll think if I can let myself truthfully and completely answer that question. I don't want her thinking I'm a sweet dunderhead, what Jennifer and Brittany acted like when I'd told them my deepest desires. It's not like I think Marie doesn't take me seriously like they didn't; I don't want her to openly tell me she doesn't want the same thing, even if she does but wants to wait a long time. I'd honestly rather not hear it.

     Curious, not to mention stalling, I ask, "Why do you think I did it?"

     "Obviously, you wanted me pregnant," she answers carte blanche, and I wince at the accusation in her voice. "Why?" she prompts.

     I wish she'd given me an out, some way to avoid directly answering, but she waits for my answer with false calm.

     As if in a trance, I explain. "I loved watching you with Jeremy and then even with Adele. Right in front of me was everything I wanted, and I wanted it immediately. Even if you hadn't have told me about your hurt feelings about what's-his-name getting engaged, I would've still been tempted to conveniently forget to use an umbrella. But with that added into the mix, with the worry that you weren't as completely mine as I wanted, I was pushed past all rational thought, and I knew I'd do anything to have you and keep you." Please don't be pissed off.

     Her little hand reaches up. I expect to be slapped again, but she caresses my face instead. It feels so nice and makes me immediately relax, relieved she didn't get angry, scoff, or laugh at me. The tips of her fingers glide across my eyebrow and down the side of my face to my cheekbone before they travel along it to my nose where they then descend to my mouth. I part my lips and capture them. She starts in surprise by the way I pounced.

     While my tongue plays across her fingers, I can't help but wonder just how much her panties are surely soaked. I groan as my dick wages war against the front of my pants. He wants to know how soaked she is too.

      "You're possessive," she says almost too quietly to hear.

      "I thought you knew that," I mumble against her fingers.

      "I'm only just saying it aloud," she tells me.

      Possessive? Yes, I'd like to possess every inch of you right now, all night. Maybe not here. No, not here. Tied up to my bed where I can forever remind you exactly to whom you belong. Not Dawson or any of the other fuckers who've looked twice at you.

      See, Bryce? I'm not always the 'adorable idiot.'

      I shake my head, trying to clear it, knowing there's something else of grave importance I need to discuss.

     "Back to what I was saying…" I prompt and press against her, trying to appease the sex-crazed maniac inside me. Exhaling, I once again work to gain control over my thoughts. "I pushed too far, too hard, that I broke you."

     "Jesse…"

     "Listen, that's just the way I'm describing your reaction of shock," I tell her before she can tell me off about the 'broken' thing. She gets quiet, and I continue, "You're still working on getting over him, and there I was thinking marriage and babies." I feel my face crack into a huge grin, in spite of Maximus' cravings, with just the sound of the word 'babies' coming out my mouth. After enduring such a sour week and then some, just having her with me right now makes me giddy. I clear my throat and try to take on a more serious tone. "I've pushed since the day I met you, and you'd reached your limit. I needed a good kick in the head." A chuckle comes bouncing out; I can't help it. My Marie is fucking awesome. "So, I thought I'd back away, go back to how I thought you needed it to be."

     Her words act like they want to get stuck in her throat as she says tearfully, "I thought you didn't want to be around me because you were mad at me for attacking you twice in two days."
     "You thought I didn't want to be around you?" I ask and then remember what I'd said. Oh shit. I'd told her it hurt just to be around her.
     The woman I love stays quiet, again probably too choked up to speak. The tough girl side of Marie hates crying, seeing it as a sign of weakness, so her silence probably means she doesn't want to wind up crying loudly. What she told me really hurt.
     I make a 'huh' noise as I suddenly squeeze her to me. Her breathing hitches several times while I hold her with her head resting on my chest. "Oh god, Marie. I'm such a fucking idiot. I did say something like that, didn't I? Is that why you never acted like you wanted to see me?"
     She tries to talk. "You...told me...it hurt...so...I...didn't want to hurt...you."
     I am such a fucking idiot!!! "I'm sorry. Shit, Marie, I'm so sorry. When I said that, I only meant for the rest of the day, maybe the next day too. I never meant for you to take it that I meant it like I didn't want to see you at all. Damn, I've missed you, and all because of my own stupidity." I kiss her forehead and her wet cheeks. "There I was thinking that you somehow understood that I was taking things back to a new start, a simpler start, but that's not what you were thinking at all. And all because of what I'd said. And didn't say."

     She takes several, quick breaths before she loses the battle against crying hard. I don't say anything more and simply hold her to me. While she cries, I get a rare reminder of her younger age. I forget sometimes.  I roll us so that she lies more on me instead of me on her, and I continuously pet the back of her head in quiet comforting.
     Her phone rings, and I loosen my hold of her so she can sit up and answer it. It's Erin, calling to find out if she's okay, and Marie tells her that she is, even if she sniffs a few times while she does it. They agree to talk later, and Marie hangs up.
     She turns her head around towards me where I have myself propped up, and she surprises me when she suddenly leans down and kisses me desperately, somehow managing to thread her fingers tightly into my hair. After a few, short seconds, my whole being springs back to life as I give as good as I get, my hand slipping down to squeeze her ass.
     Her head pulls back so she can ask, "I'm not hurting you by just being around you?"

     "No, you're not. Marie, if I were around you as much as I wanted to be, they'd have to design special clothes for us because we'd be constantly attached."

     She gets quiet, and I wonder what she makes of what I said. "That would make it hard to get around to be attached all the time."

     "Well, there's only one other solution." Relief floods through me that she didn't freak out.

     "What is it?"

     "We just won't get around. The world'll have to go along without us." I quietly laugh at her mock sound of outrage and kiss her for several, delicious moments. Her tears have stopped. This is simple. All it is is kissing and cuddling under the stars. This is good simple. Earlier was bad simple. I can't do bad simple again, and I'm happy that Marie obviously doesn't want to either. I'm such an idiot. She missed me. She missed me so bad that she came over unannounced. "So, what made you come over today?" I ask happily, curious about her specific reason.

     "Hm. Sorry I ruined your little tête-à-tête with Bernadette," she sasses, also not answering my question.

     I sigh exasperatedly. While I was chasing her and using that shortcut, I knew I'd have to explain this. "I was out in my backyard, and she was 'conveniently' walking down the beach. She saw me at my bar and invited herself into my yard to teach me how to make a few drinks. She'd not been there that long before you showed up. Now, why did you come over? Not that I'm complaining." I grin, thrilled beyond belief that things are better now, not completely fixed, but better.

     Silence.

     "Marie?" No answer. "Marie, what is it?" The grin drops off my face as I wonder about her silence.

     More silence.

     I start getting worried. Worst-case scenarios run through my mind: She'd come to break up with me. She'd come to tell me she was pregnant and now hated me for it. She'd come to tell me she was leaving the island forever.

     I told you my hard thing to tell you, now you have to tell me yours!

     "Please tell me," I nicely demand.

     I see her head turn away from me before she says, "I'd come to tell you about something that happened, something I don't really know how to deal with."

     "What?" I prompt urgently.

     She swallows. "Andy is here, and he found me in the park today with Erin and Adele," she says quietly.

     My mind whirls as I try to remember who Andy is. "He's the one that's not Dawson or Armand? The older brother?"

     "Yes."

     One word, and I have to fight myself to keep from dragging her off to my bedroom to hide her. One of them is here on the island, and it's the one I know the least about!

     She continues, "I promised to meet with him tomorrow."

     "What? No," I say without thinking.

     "I don't want to. There's nothing more I have to say to him."

     An idea hatches in my mind. "Wait. You should meet with him tomorrow like you said… only you won't be doing it alone." I'll finally get to confront one of the assholes from her past.

     "You're coming with me?" she asks, and I relax with relief at the hope in her voice.

     "Yes. I'm off tomorrow. What time did you say?"

     "Around noon."

     "Where?"

     She tells me where, and I promise her I'll be there.

     "Thank you," she says sweetly and cuddles up into me. I reach down to hold her cheek in my hand, and I run my thumb along her cheekbone in a thoughtful way. I don't wanna let go of her. I just got her back! And I'm supposed to just let her go on her merry way and go back to her apartment? Yes, I'm going to see her tomorrow, but that doesn't make letting go any easier.

     "Well," I start and clear my throat, "since you decided to visit, what kind of host would I be if I didn't invite you inside?" I happily run my fingers down her jawline as I think, Not. Letting. Go. Not right yet. YOU came to ME, and I wanna hold onto you for a few hours at the very least.

     "You mean this isn't comfortable?" she asks with a teasing note to her precious voice.

     I grin, my heart soaring. "Oh, this is comfortable enough if you're here. Remember, I told you that I can find comfort in the most peculiar situations? I'd asked you if you wanted me to demonstrate, but you didn't like the sound of the idea at the time." I leave open a very clear hint that all she has to do is ask and I'd be more than happy to show her what I mean.

     "Peculiar situations?" she asks in a sultry voice, and she starts running her fingernail around on my chest.

     My hand tightens on her waist before moving up her side, pressing into her as it goes. Honestly, I didn't expect her to actually take the bait, so the fact that she did causes my mind to go into overdrive with everything I could do, every wild position I can think of.

     I've never tested just how flexible she is. My hand wraps around the back of her shoulder, my fingertips grazing her collarbone. Her neck looks delicious in the moonlight, and I can't resist leaning down to pounce upon it. She jumps from my sudden attack, but I assume it's from simple surprise. My leg wraps around her, and my hand moves down to squeeze her ass again.

     Marie. Marie is in my arms again. Oh god, how I've missed her! My breathing picks up speed as I bury my entire face into her neck. I bring my mouth up and find her earlobe then happily toy with it with my tongue. She lets out a small noise of surprise before digging her nails into my scalp.

     "Yes," I continue with our discussion, speaking low and quiet right into her ear. "Very peculiar to most people… but utterly comfortable to me. I could-" Stop, Jesse! I scream in my head. You're doing it again! I pick my head up and look down at Marie, and she looks back up at me with half-lidded eyes.

     "I was only half-aware, and you knew that too!" echoes in my mind. I don't know if those were her exact words, but they slice me open in this moment. I hurt her…badly. Yes, she was half-aware because of the things I can do to her. And look where that got me. I could've lost her forever, but by some miracle, I didn't. She came back to me.

     And I'll be damned if I screw it up again.

     "I could…show you some other time," I finish, and her eyes open to a clearer expression while I work on standing up. After helping her to stand, I say, "Let's go inside and watch a movie or something."

     Simple, damn it!

     I very simply hold her hand as we walk the trail back to my house. She stays quiet. I think she knows why I said what I said. At least, I hope she knows why.