6: Don't Apologize

Bryce

     I wake up earlier than normal. That's cruel of my body to do this to me. Of all the mornings I'd love to sleep in, it won't let me this time. Since Adele is still at her friend's house, I decide to go for a walk.

     I end up at an empty lot where I sit and listen to the waves.

     I hate this. How did this happen so fast? I think maybe what might've done it is when I found out she was a local. The very idea that she wasn't going to leave made me hope that maybe, just maybe I could try again.

     Then she says no, shoves me, and runs off.

     I wish I could just forget about her.

    What was it Lynne said? "Did she do or say anything that would explain why she ran away?" Well, she told me about her ex-fiance and best friend. And... oh shit. Shit! She kept saying the pain was still too fresh. I wasn't listening. I didn't want to hear that. I thought I could just make it better. I thought she might need me as much as I need her.

      She never would tell me if she treated last night like a date. No, in fact, she said she wasn't ready to date anyone. I wonder what Jesse would make of that. But she kissed me back... so she can't be totally unaffected.

      I'm thinking too much.

      I won't give up. Not totally. Not yet. I was a bit of an ass I guess. I told her nobody understood what she was going through better than me then I go and contradict myself by trying to do to her what Pamela kept hoping all those girls would try to do to me.

     I sigh exasperatedly at myself and fold my arms across my knees, resting my head on them, closing my eyes, and listening to the waves some more. I need to stop thinking for a little while.

      A shadow passes over me.

     I open my eyes and pick my head up a little. On the sand in front of me, I see a pair of white sandals. It's her, and damn it if her feet aren't beautiful too. What's she doing here?

      "Hi," I say, not looking up. I don't think I can stand to look at her face and eyes just yet.

     "You're a difficult person to find, do you know that?" she asks in place of a greeting.

     "No I'm not," I belligerently argue back. I know I'm sounding like an adolescent, but I came here to think. I didn't ask to be found.

     All the same, I'm sort of glad she's here. Part of me sighs with relief. She went looking for me... pretty damn early in the morning too. I work on keeping my guard up, however. I don't know why she went looking for me.

     "Well, this is the last of the places Lynne told me you might be," she says, and I make the mistake of glancing up at her.

      She looks like a Barbie doll. I close my eyes, but the picture of her remains in my head. I've got it bad. She went looking for Lynne, someone she hardly knows, to try and get ideas to find me.

     "So you found me," I say, still sounding belligerent. "What do you want?"

     "I have to explain myself," she says. "I'm s-"

     "You don't have to," I interrupt. I stretch my legs out in front of me a little and focus on my flip flops to keep from looking at her.

     "Yes I do!" she lightly snaps. I can't help but think it's funny how someone as quiet as I've found her to be can get louder when she's angry about something.

     I try not to smile, still keeping my guard up, as I say, "Then go ahead and explain if you feel you must." I steadfastly maintain my gaze on my shoes.

     Damn it if she doesn't get right in my line of vision. She did that on purpose just to torture me; I know it. I find myself staring at her knees, then her arms. Then I can't help but think that if she just moved a certain way I'd be able to see right up her skirt. Oh I don't need this!

     She starts talking, thank God, providing a small distraction. "I have to tell you why I ran away last night. I just panicked when you kissed me because it brought up all these memories when some of the same emotions rose to the surface again."

     I was about to tell her I finally caught on that she hasn't gotten over what happened to her, but the word emotions caught my attention. "What emotions?" I ask and feel strong enough to look up at her face now, which blushes.

     She doesn't answer, but instead she runs her finger around in little lines in the sand. Knowing I've hit on something and not willing to let it go, I reach out and take her hand to get her attention. That, and I just had to touch her in one way or another. There's the tiniest movement that she uses to try and free her hand, but I have a firm grasp of it. I am now watching every nuance of expression on her face.

      "Please tell me," I ask nicely.

     She looks like she's in a mild panic, and I wonder if I'm pushing too hard when she says, "I ... I can tell I'm beginning to have the same feelings for you that I did for my fiance... my ex-fiance, and I'm terrified."

     I'm not happy she's terrified, but my heart soars because of what she just said.

     She watches me warily as I scoot closer to her. I reach up and start playing with the fingertips of her other hand as I say, "You don't have to be terrified of me. At any rate, I know exactly what you mean. I've been terrified too, I guess you could say, ever since Adele's mother left me." I mentally raise my eyebrows at myself, surprised at how easily I shared that.

     "What happened?" she quickly asks then looks away like she's embarrassed that she was prying.

     I don't see anything wrong with telling her. After all, she's told me so much herself. I take a deep breath. "It's okay to ask that," I say to her expression. "Ashley left us about five years ago. I own a bar. I work nights. I have for about seven or eight years now. Well, let me just start at the beginning." 

     "It's okay, you don't have to if you don't want to," she says quickly.

     I look up at her beautiful face and say, "But I want to." Definitely have it bad. I take another breath and start at the beginning. "Ashley and I were high school sweethearts. Then, our junior year, I got her pregnant. Her family tried to convince her to give it up for adoption. My family wouldn't hear of that. To make that part of the story shorter, we kept it, her, Adele, obviously. My parents helped so much those first few years. Then, we got married right out of high school. She got a job working at the school; I got a job working at the bar I now own."

     "She worked days; you worked nights," she says, understanding.

     "Yes. We didn't see much of each other. We were just there for Adele all the time. We didn't need to put her in daycare or anything like that. Well, then Adele started kindergarten, I bought the bar and it started doing well, and Ashley started making special use of the time she had to herself. She started chatting online with this guy in Bridgeport. I only found out about this as she was packing her suitcase. She'd decided she didn't want either of us, and that she wanted to go be with this other man.

      "Sure, I didn't see her as much as I'd have liked to, but that didn't mean I stopped loving Ashley. Her leaving me came as a shock. Sometimes the pain of rejection, not necessarily the pain of losing her anymore, hits hard." I play with her fingers some more as something occurs to me. "And I've not talked about it to a single person until now."

     "And then, what I did last night... running away like I did," she says then cusses under her breath, which makes me laugh.

     I can't stop myself; I reach up and brush her cheek with my fingers. "I shouldn't have done what I did. You'd told me you weren't ready for any of that, and I, above all, should've understood that."

     Her blue eyes cut into mine as she asks, "Are you apologizing for kissing me?" After I give her a confused expression, she continues, "Don't ever apologize for kissing me." 

     I rise up to my knees and try to understand what she meant by that. I mean, I think I know what she meant by that, but I don't want to jump to conclusions. "What do you mean?" I have to ask.

     She bites her lip for a few seconds, driving me crazy, before she says, "I mean... " She lets out a huff. "You're looking at me like that again!"

     We start talking very fast after I say, "Too bad. Tell me what you mean."

     "I can't think!"

     "Then don't think! You said for me not to apologize for kissing you which tells me that it's okay. Is it?"

     "You mean is it okay for you to kiss me?"

     "Yes, that's what I mean."

     "I don't know! How can I know?! I just don't want you to apologize for it afterwards."

     I can't stand it anymore. "Okay."

     I think I surprise both of us when I suddenly pull her up to me. She lets out a startled cry, but then she clings to me and kisses me back. In the back of my mind, the very back, I worry that she'll panic and run off again.

     Irritatingly, this thought works its way to the front of my mind, making me pull back and growl, "Don't think about him."

     "I wasn't," she says, her eyes wide. 

     I kiss her again, but I have to pull back again and say, "Good." However, I can see it in her eyes. I mentioned him, so now she's thinking about him. Damn. "Stop it," I say and watch her close her eyes. I'm getting a little pissed, but not at her. "Erin..." I warn.

     "I'm sorry," she whispers.

     "If I ever see that son of a bitch..."

     "Just don't talk about him," she says.

     "No problem," I answer and just go back to kissing her. Several times she appears to want to pull away, but I won't let her. I want to drive out any thought of anyone else and make sure she stays in the here and now, only thinking about ME as I kiss her. Me, Erin.