4: Get Rid of the Hurt

Bryce

     I arrive at work and start getting things set up for the party tonight. Pamela called me a minute ago and said that they couldn't make it tonight because Jer-Jer was sick. Ugh. Adele now has even me calling him Jer-Jer. Poor kid. He's never going to outgrow that if Adele has her say. I suppose I could teach him to call her Adelaide in his defense.
     Adele is spending the night at a friend's house. Tonight would be perfect if....  Stop right there, Bryce. No jumping to conclusions.
     I hope she comes. I'm going to be on edge the entire night until she does. If she doesn't... well, then I give up. I don't believe myself for a second about the giving up bit, but I also don't want to get my hopes too high.

     I have Bernadette working the bar tonight. She has an attitude problem, but she's a good bartender.
     I turn my head a little when I see Ginger and Belinda walk up. They're early.
     "Is she coming?" Ginger asks hopefully.
     "Who?" I ask belligerently. I'm still a little upset at her for calling my sister.
     Ginger cocks her hip and puts a fist on it, her elbow sticking out, as she regards me with a sassy expression and says, "You know exactly who I'm talking about. Don't play stupid, Bryce."
     Belinda walks up behind her and adds, "Yeah, I wanna know more about this mystery girl that has our Bryce calling everyone all over the island looking for her. All Lynne could tell me was she was blonde, had glasses and blue eyes. So, you found her?"
     I look at Ginger accusingly as I answer Belinda, "Yes, Ginger called me.... right before she called Pamela."
     Ginger shrugs.

     "Why shouldn't I call Pam? I thought she'd get a kick about what you asked me to do," she says innocently.
     "You know," Belinda pipes in, "you calling everyone like that isn't like you. It's bound to make us all curious."
      "So, you don't know if she's coming?" Ginger asks again, and I'm starting to get irritated.
     "No, I don't," I say stiffly. Belinda grabs hold of Ginger's elbow because she can see my mood shifting. For someone so brilliant, Ginger can be so dense sometimes. I stop listening to them when Belinda tactfully changes the subject and they walk off to play with the stereo. Bernadette pulls out the pizza I started and lays it on the counter.

     More people start to arrive, and one of them asks Ginger to dance. Ginger may be a clueless genius, but she's also really nice. I'm glad I didn't bite her head off a minute ago.
     I mumble a thanks to Belinda. She just smiles a little back at me before shoving pizza in her mouth with a goofy look on her face. She's trying to get me to lighten up. It's not working.
     I glance and see out of the corner of my eye Lynne walking up.

     Of everyone in my circle of friends, I've known Lynne the longest. I think we became friends in kindergarten, but I'm not sure. It could've been before then. We tried dating once in high school, but it was just too weird. It's like she's my sister or cousin or something. She manages the spa on top of the hill. She and Belinda are best friends, and Belinda works for her. I don't know how they can stay friends like they do since one of them works for the other one, but somehow they manage it.
     "I'm sorry, Bryce, I didn't see anybody that-"
     "It's okay, Ginger found her," I quickly explain.
     "Oh good," she breathes. She looks at me a little concerned and says, "Of course, you know now you have us all wondering...." She leaves the statement hanging like a question.
     I use the same excuse I used with my sister. "She's just someone I met that I thought might want to come tonight since she's new to the island and all."
     One of her eyebrows raises questioningly as she says, "Sure. Right." She doesn't believe me one bit. She pats me on my arm before she walks over to talk to Belinda.
     What is it with everybody?! Does every woman in my life think that I need rescuing from some depression or something? The way they act you'd think I go around moping all the time. Good grief! I just met somebody I might be a little interested in, okay?!
     Oh good, here's Jesse. Thank God. I look over at him as he walks up the stairs, pointing to Desmond with a huge grin on his face. I hadn't seen Desmond sneak in. He's dressed like a buccaneer.  He must've lost the bet.

     "He lost the bet! I can't believe he lost the bet!" Jesse says in an overexcited voice as he walks over to me, laughing. I catch Desmond rolling his eyes after Troy sits down in the chair next to him. I can't help but laugh. Desmond's a jerk. I have no idea why we keep him around. However, the sight of him in that outfit might just provide all the entertainment this party needs for the whole evening.
      Jesse is my best friend. He moved to the island some time after we graduated from our high schools. He says his family used to visit here every summer, and he wanted to move here, so he did. He runs a gift shop that also rents out scuba and surfing gear. He's great to have around because he has an eye that can spot, well, as he'd put it, a nice piece of tail from a mile away. Between the two of us with me at my bar and him at his shop, we can scope out each week's crop of tourists and pick out the best. There have been a few times we've gone after the same one, but it only adds to the fun with a little competition. I hated calling him to watch out for Erin, but his shop is in a great location. I called dibs, and he better abide by the rules. I've only called dibs a handful of times. Most of the time I don't care that much. The fact that I did this time caught his attention.

     He stops laughing at Desmond and turns to me to ask, "So, where is she? I have to see what has you all worked up."
     "I told you, man. Lay off," I say to him seriously. I should've known. Jesse never takes anything seriously. He simply grins back at me like he knows he's got me. Crap. Well, if I act like I don't care... No, I can't do that. But if I act like I do care... then he's going to tease me unmercifully. I know because I'd do the same thing to him.

     "Oh, this is awesome!" he laughs. "Finally, I get to see Bryce the stone-hearted go goo-goo eyed over a girl! I wish my camera phone wasn't broken!" He keeps dropping his phone in the sand. It's a miracle the thing works at all.
     I hate that nickname, I think to myself. However, I'd rather have the nickname than get depressed every other week when whatever girl goes home like he does. Lucky for him he has the personality to bounce back easily.

     Jesse keeps laughing a little more, I guess at my expression, as I think, I do not have the personality to bounce back easily. Maybe that's what has the girls always so worried about me. What am I doing?!
      Bernadette slams down a tray of drinks on the bar behind me. I turn and look at her with a scowl. She apologizes in a voice that tells me she doesn't mean it. I decide to drop it. I have other things on my mind tonight.

      "Seriously. Is she coming or not?" he asks me.
     "You know, I doubt it. She didn't really act interested anyway. I was just being nice, you know? I guess this is what I get for being nice." All right, now I just want to go home.
     "Don't sweat it," he says, and he acts like he's about to throw a bunch of cliches at me when we hear the sound of a little scooter pull up. Both of us turn to look to see who it is.
      She's here!

     I walk over to the stairs, leaving Jesse standing behind me. "You're here!" I say to her in a voice that I hope doesn't sound overly thrilled.

Erin

     I park my scooter and walk up some river rock front sidewalk. I decided not to overdo my appearance tonight because I have no idea how everyone is going to be dressed for this thing. I can't believe I talked myself into this, but here goes.
      "You're here!" I hear coming from in front of me. It's Bryce. On the one hand, I'm happy that the first face I see is a familiar one, but on the other, I wish I could just sneak in somewhere and try to blend into the scenery.
      I feel irritated at my hands as they start to shake a little when he bounds down the few stairs and over to me. There are a lot of people here. I suppose there could be more, but I don't know if I can do this.

     "Hi," I say simply because I don't know what else to say. I feel a little guilty that it's now eight o'clock and he'd told me the party started at six. He looks like he thought I wasn't going to come. At least he looks happy to see me. The way I ran away yesterday I worried I'd hurt his feelings or something. Again, I wonder if he meant for this to be a sort of date or not. Again, I wonder if that's what I wanted.

     "Hi," he says back to me, and I have a hard time trying to determine if he just sighed with relief. The way he's looking at me right now makes me nervous. He's good at that - making me nervous. We get quiet, and I bite my lip.
     "Desmond, why do you have to be such an ass!" I hear a girl in a very green dress yell to a pirate. Or.. at least someone dressed like a pirate.
     Suddenly, Bryce smiles and says, "C'mon, let me introduce you to my friends." I wordlessly open and close my mouth before he takes my hands and pulls me towards the open-aired shelter. His hands are warm.

     He's immediately almost attacked by that same girl that had been yelling only a moment before. Now she's all smiles as she approaches us. I can't help but think that it looks like she couldn't make up her mind what necklace to wear, so she wore them all. I feel like everybody is staring at me. When I look, they don't look like they're staring, but I know they are when I'm not looking. They're just good at hiding it. Well, there's the fuzz. Him plus the pirate. Geez, all we need now is a construction worker and a shirtless fireman then we might have the whole set. Yeah, okay, so the pirate wasn't part of it, but I'm flexible.
     "Is this her?!" she chirps. I look sideways at Bryce and if looks could kill.... Well, she doesn't appear phased by it at all. I knew it. They were talking about me. She skips over to me and starts shaking my hand as she says, "Hi! I'm Ginger. My mother had a strange sense of humor when she named me. I think she'd been addicted to Gilligan's Island or something. That, or she was cruel about the red hair thing. My dad had red hair. She didn't much like him it turns out anyway." I feel overwhelmed as the woman keeps talking.
     Meanwhile, the bartender girl comes over and tells something to Bryce about not being able to find the tomato juice. He owns the place? Bryce grumbles under his breath about her saying they're out of this and that when they're not and first tomato juice what's next rum? I can't help but think he looks funny when he's mad. The redhead, Ginger, tells me she'll stop talking my ear off now and go back to yelling at Desmond again, or something like that.
     "Hhiiiiii," I hear coming from behind me.

     I turn around and see a man with a ton of hair on his head. I absently wonder how on earth he keeps it all from falling into his face with the constant breeze here.
     "Hello," I say.
     "Please, don't tell me you're Erin," he says cryptically.
     I knew it! Everybody was talking about me!
     "Um, yes?" I answer.
     "You act like you're not sure. Are you or aren't you?" he asks and looks like he's working hard to keep from laughing.
     "Yes, I'm Erin. The question in that is I was wondering why you didn't want me to tell you."
     He lets out a huge, exaggerated sigh. I have no idea what his name is. With that hair, he looks like a lion. Maybe I'll call him Mufasa.
     "Well, damn," he growls. "I'm Jesse, by the way. Jesse Gillespie." He shakes my hand.
     "Erin Lancaster, but you already knew that somehow," I say back to him and realize I don't know Bryce's last name. Mufasa still hasn't let go of my hand.

     Bryce has apparently found the tomato juice after all because he walks back over to us. Mufasa drops my hand real fast and gives Bryce a strange look. Bryce looks back at him, and I can't help but notice he looks a little pissed. Ohhhhhkay.
    "I guess you've met my best friend, Jesse," Bryce says bitingly while continuing to level an almost-glare at Mufasa.
     Okay, well this is weird. If I didn't know better, I'd say the two of them are having some kind of silent argument.
    "Well, it looked like you were busy, so I thought I'd introduce myself," Jesse says to Bryce, looking for all the world like he's working real hard not to glare back. I just stand here quietly and dart my eyes back and forth between the two of them.
     They're not acting like best friends. This doesn't look like something of which I want to get in the middle. I back away and go have a seat at a nearby table. Whatever it is they want to argue about, I can hear the mumbling for it start up as soon as I'm almost far enough away. I'll just leave them to it.

     Finally, I get to sit quietly somewhere and take it all in. Bryce looks like he has a lot of friends. I guess that shouldn't surprise me that much. I wonder what they're all like. What if they don't like me? I think Bryce likes me. What if one of those girls likes Bryce and is going to hate me now? I don't need any of this!
     Still... a fight like that would add awesome drama to my book. Hm, so the dad tries to start dating again and doesn't even know that somebody already likes him when he finally asks out a different girl, I think as I sit and watch as a guy with short curly hair in a blue shirt with an octopus on it tries in vain to get a girl in some band's shirt's attention. She's too busy talking to her friend in front of her to notice his attempts. Oh great. She doesn't notice him looking at her, but she notices me, I think as she smiles a nice, small smile at me and walks over.

     She sits down in front of me and says, "Hi, my name is Lynne."
    Our budding conversation gets interrupted by pirate-man. "So, you must be that blonde chick Bryce asked me to watch out for."
     Lynne closes her eyes real quiet and slow like she's trying to reign in her anger. Lynne's friend comes and sits next to me on the pirate's other side. Apparently, Lynne sitting in front of me seemed to open some flood gate of attention because next Ginger takes the remaining seat. So much for sitting quietly in the corner and doing some people watching.

     That guy in the octopus shirt still stands there staring off into space, obviously wondering what he's going to do now.
      I decide I don't like pirate-man. "I suppose I am, if that's what he asked you to do." He did? I wonder why. "I don't see any other blonde chicks here, do you? That is, unless they're all locked up on your pirate ship."
     He folds his arms defensively in front of him and looks angry. Lynne and her friend look at each other like they're desperately trying to keep from cracking up laughing.
     "I don't always dress like this," he mumbles angrily.
     "Be nice, Desmond," Ginger says. She looks like she's about to start up on her hyperspeed babble again, but pirate-man who's name must be Desmond interrupts her.
      "I lost a bet," he grunts as Lynne simultaneously gets up and octopus-boy walks over.

      "Don't listen to him. He's just full of hot air and worth less attention than a fart in a hurricane," Ginger says cheekily. I can't help but laugh.
      Desmond doesn't appear shaken at all by Ginger's jibe because he keeps talking to me. "So, what's so special about you that he would call around asking if we'd seen you?"
     Lynne's friend stomps hard on his foot and says, "Shut up, Desmond!"
     That boy asks Lynne to dance.
     "Whatever. I need to go take a piss anyway," Desmond says in a huff and walks off.

     Out of nowhere, Bryce stands next to me and asks me if we can go somewhere and talk. I feel like the floor just dropped out from under me. And he expects me to stand up?! Still, I find myself nodding and quietly following him to some lower level, darker, seating area.

     He doesn't walk over to the tables, but instead he walks us over to the side. I pass him and lean back against the fence for support. I can't read his expression exactly. He looks like he's trying to figure out how to say something, and he's agitated he can't figure out how. My heart feels like it's about to beat out of my chest. The party sounds like it's like it's far away; everyone's voices sound muted. In fact, the insects and frogs around us create quite a racket, actually sounding louder than the party.
      Finally, Bryce breaks the relative silence between us. "Erin, when I invited you to the party, I'd kind of hoped to be inviting you as my date. I don't think it came across that way, but I'm wondering if you possibly caught on that that's what I meant when I asked you to come." He drops his hand from his head and props both on the lower part of his hips.
      My eyes drop to the ground at my feet. Yep, the ground is actually still there underneath them. Why does it feel like it left me? I no longer hear the insects and frogs and stuff for the pounding in my ears. I see his brown flip-flops take a step closer to me. Something like adrenaline courses through my veins as I glance back up at him and see the intense expression on his face. Oh crap, what now?! What do I say now?! He just admitted that he was asking me out. I haven't made all this up in my head; he likes me.

     "I was right. You didn't think that's what it was," he says, sounding disappointed.
     I don't like him sounding disappointed, and I wonder how I can say what needs saying to make him feel better. However, as much as I like him, I don't know if I'm ready to have anything minutely close to a relationship with anybody. He just keeps staring at me! How am I supposed to think with him staring at me! I wish I could run off somewhere to go think... now that I know... to think about what I want to do now. I stand up off the fence because suddenly I feel jittery. One hand nervously rubs my other arm as I continue to flounder around, not saying anything.
     "Say something!" he suddenly pleads, making me jump a little.
     "I'm sorry," I say quietly.
    "I knew it," he says quickly before I can finish saying what I was going to say. "I thought I'd try anyway, you know?" He turns to walk back to the party.
    "I'm not finished!" I snap at him. He turns back around with this look of pleasant surprise on his face. I hate that I got mad, but he's not giving me a chance to explain myself.
     "Okay..." he says and closes the distance between us again, now really watching my every move.
     I let out a huff and say, "I can't think with you looking at me like that!"
     "Looking at you like what?" he asks with a smile slowly spreading across his face. I give him an exasperated expression to which he replies, "Why not start by telling me what you're trying to think of."
     He ended that sentence in a preposition, I can't help but think suddenly.

     I feel my eyebrows come together for a second as I try to think under his gaze. "Um." I swallow and look up at his face before returning my eyes to the relative safety of his shoulder. "Um, I wondered when you invited me if that's what you were doing, but I wasn't sure. I mean, you could've just been being nice." I pause for just a second before I ask, "You asked everybody to watch for me?"
     He rolls his eyes. "Alright. Yes, I did. In a way, I wish I hadn't because they won't get off my back about it."
     "Why?" I ask, and I hope I already know the answer.
     "Isn't it obvious? I had to find you again, the sooner the better."
     "To ask me out." I state the question.
     "Yes, Erin. You're killing me here. Is this a date or not?" he asks in an almost agitated way.
     "I... Bryce this is really hard for me." I can't believe I'm just coming out an saying all this, but I feel like I owe it to him since he's laying it all bare for me. My words come out in a rush. "I'm... still getting over the fact that my ex-fiance slept with my ex-best friend. Please don't tell everyone that. I only just told you now because I have to tell you why I'm acting like this." I look up and see he's wearing a shocked, slack-jawed expression. "What?" I ask, wondering what he's thinking.
     His mouth closes with a snap. "Sorry." He pauses a second before he says, "How could they do that?" A tiny smile plays about his features as he continues, "I'd worried it was just me or something."
     Maybe I shouldn't have told him, I think, regretting my decision. I feel stupid now. I look off back towards the party, wishing I could just go somewhere and curl into a ball to think.

     "Erin," he says as he reaches for my face. His hand feels slightly coarse against my cheek as he gently turns my head back to face him. I absolutely cannot look him in the eyes right now. Even as it is, I'm only just barely able to control my breathing. He continues, "That man is an idiot, whoever he is." His thumb traces my cheekbone, and I close my eyes.
     I'm not sure I can take this. I fight hard against the painful feelings that try to come to the surface again. A single, damn tear escapes my eyes and runs down my face. Okay, now I really want to hide, I think as I feel his arm wrap around my waist. If I weren't so freaked out right now, this would be kind of nice.
     He whispers, "You are so beautiful, do you know that?" Holy crap. I shake my head no. No, I'm a mousy little coward. "Well, you are," he finishes. His arm tightens around me, and his fingertips brush against my ear. "I have this crazy desire to just hold your face in my hands and do nothing but look at you all day."  
     Oh, this isn't happening! I think as now he starts running his fingertips up and down my jaw and cheek, wiping away the traces of my tear. I have to slow this down.

     "Bryce," I say as I reach over and try to pull his hand off of my face with my opposite hand. This is good because my arm in the way forces a little distance between us. "I'm just not ready to start dating again. The hurt is still too fresh."
     He only looks sad for about a second before he starts looking at me like that again. I feel the muscles in his forearm move as his thumb starts playing with my face. "I understand... probably more than anyone else on this island," he says, and I start feeling like I'm having an out-of-body experience.
     I have a sudden urge to say 'you know what? fuck it. of course I want to start a relationship with you.' Of course, I don't think I'd say the cuss word, but something like that. He's gorgeous. Holy smokes, he's gorgeous! And he likes me. Me. And what do I do? I turn him down.
     "Maybe I can help get rid of the hurt," he says soft and low, his lips barely moving, and I wonder what it would be like to kiss him.

     I don't have to wonder long. He uses the hand that's on my face to tilt my head up a little before he gently presses his lips to mine. I move my hand off his arm and lightly place it on his shoulder as he pulls me closer to him. Am I really doing this again? I'm pretty sure I told him I wasn't ready for this kind of thing.
     Oh, but I don't want him to stop! I think as he repeatedly places tender kisses on my lips. Then he shocks me as he suddenly makes my mouth open, and he deepens the kiss. The kiss becomes a lot less gentle now as he acts like he's desperate for more of me. He acts like a man who's walked across a vast desert and has finally reached an oasis with a deep well of cool, fresh water.
     I start kissing him back.

     He pulls back for just a second to take in and let out a shaky breath before he reclaims my lips. I don't think it could be possible for him to hold me any tighter. My hand slowly clenches around the back of his shirt. I take my turn in pulling back a little to breathe, and he merely takes that opportunity to kiss and run his mouth along my cheeks and jaw.
     "Bryce, I can't do this," I whisper.
    "And yet, you are," he mumbles back against my lips before he silences me again.

     I try to take a step backwards, but he follows me. He has absolutely no intention of stopping this anytime soon, and I don't know if I can continue to feel these emotions again without also feeling the pain. 
     I don't want to set myself up for more pain. I just can't. To let someone mean so much to me again...
      Then it happens. The pain of having really loved Sean and then seeing him in bed with my best friend comes back in full force. I hear myself let out a small cry, and I try to take another step backwards, backing myself into the fence.
     "Erin..." he says, but I interrupt him.
     "No. No, it's too much!" I say and shove hard against him. He wasn't prepared for that, so I get away easily.

     I dart around him, and I actually do run away from him this time, not just figuratively like at the library. I feel terrible for doing this to him, but the pain is too fresh. I hope I get the chance to explain myself later, but for now I just want to get away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This ended up being longer than I anticipated, but I hope it was a good long.