69: The Answer

Erin

     Bryce and I come back from the store with a pregnancy test.

     I don't want to take it.

     What if it's positive? What will I do then? I know he'll ask; he thinks I haven't caught those hints. There'll be no way that Bryce would take no for an answer, and he'll demand that we get married. I don't want a baby to be the reason we get married if we're ever getting married.

     But what if I only imagined those hints? What if he reverts back to 'Bryce the Stonehearted' and tells me to leave because the last thing he needs right now is another child?

     I quickly tell him that I want to be alone in the bathroom. He nods with an 'I'm-scared-but-I'm-trying-to-hide-it' expression.

      I bite the side of my finger to keep from bawling. As it is, a few tears escape anyway.

      My eyes tearing up doesn't help me one bit when it comes to trying to read the instructions in the package. Finally, I ball them up and toss them on the floor in aggravation.

     I get it. Take off the little cap thing. Pee on it. Put the cap thing back on. Set it down on a level spot. Wait five minutes. One line equals not pregnant, and two lines equals pregnant.

     SHIT.

     I can't do this. How in the hell am I supposed to pee when I'm this stressed out?

     I sit down on the toilet and try to find my happy place.

     At last, I relax enough to let it happen, and I put the cap on before putting it on the edge of the sink.

     Time to wait.

     I wonder what Bryce is thinking right now. Is he making plans about how to tell me to get lost? Is he making plans on forcing me to move in with him?

    He can't force me to do anything!

    What am I going to do?

    Am I ready to be a mom? Oh, sure, I think I do okay with Adele, although Pamela does even better, but a baby is a whole 'nother ball game.

    Well, I'll have nine months to get ready for it. Um, eight maybe.

     Three more minutes.

     Oh God help me! What will my mother say?! And Bill will want to beat the shit out of Bryce, taking the 'father' role, again, for me, forgetting he's two years younger.

    What will Adele think about having a sibling?

    Two more minutes.

    I wonder what Bryce is thinking? He's being really quiet. Does he want this baby?

    I just thought of it as a baby.

    I let out a shaky breath and run my fingers through my hair.

    I look down at the test and see a single line. I still have a minute to go, though.

    Is that another line? No, I have to be seeing things. My mind is making it up because I can tell that that's where it's supposed to show up.

     Five minutes is up.

     One line.

     I'm not pregnant.

    I walk outside the bathroom and find Bryce sitting on the edge of his bed. Without getting up from it, he asks, "Well, what does it say?"

    How am I going to answer him?
    Why does he look a little hopeful?

    Why do I feel a little sad?

    Bryce stands up and takes one large step towards me. "Erin? Tell me the results." He cups my face in his hands.

    "It's negative," I answer quietly, and I can't explain why I feel so sad.

    "You're not pregnant," Bryce states with his eyebrows coming together a little like he's trying to hide something.

    "No, I'm not."

    "Oh," he says in a flat, emotionless voice.

    "Um, maybe I should go see a doctor anyway to find out why I haven't started still," I state since my cycle is normally very predictable.

    "Yeah, if you think that's what you need to do." He isn't looking at me anymore, even if his hands still hold my face.

     I want to cry. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

     I break free from his hold easily, take a few steps back, and say, "I'm not leaving." Then I go downstairs to sit on one of the lounge chairs next to the pool.

     Once seated on the lounge chair, I burst into tears. I don't know if I'm crying from relief or sadness, possibly both.

      I'm not pregnant. I'm not pregnant with Bryce's baby. I guess I'm not as fertile as a sixteen-year-old.

      The still-sane part of me realizes that I'm not pregnant because of my birth control, but I stubbornly don't want to listen to reason, even if it's in my own head.

     Did I want to be pregnant?

     No! I answer myself immediately. No! This is a bad time for that to happen. I don't know if my relationship with Bryce is strong enough for that to be a good thing, and I don't want to test it.

     Still, the thought of a little brown-eyed, blond-haired boy about three years old shows up in my mind's eye. Then he fades and disappears, and I start crying again.

      I guess I'd started to get used to the idea of being pregnant and having Bryce's baby even if I worried he'd push me away because of it. Maybe in getting used to the idea I also started warming up to, and even hoping for, the possibility that I was.

     I'm crazy! I scream inside my head and start crying again.

    "Erin?" Bryce asks from behind me before I hear him walking around to sit on the lounge chair next to me. I'd not heard the sliding door open. "Baby, are you okay?"

     He called me 'baby,' I think and start crying more. 

     "What's wrong?" Bryce asks as he starts rubbing my shoulders.

     "Oh, don't mind me. I've just lost my marbles is all," I answer and fold myself in half to place the backs of my hands on my knees while my face rests on my palms. Bryce starts rubbing my back.

     "Why do you say that?" he asks in a soothing voice, and I realize that Bryce does a good job at soothing me. He does a better job helping others with their problems than helping himself with his own.

     "I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it," I answer.

     "All right," he says, sounding like he won't push me to explain. "But come here." 

    We rearrange ourselves on the lounge chair so that he reclines on it while I lie on my side and on him with his arms around me. I feel consumed by depression, and not even my shock that I feel depressed to begin with can keep it away.

    I hear Bryce's wonderful voice as it goes directly into my ear while I rest my head on his chest.

    "I hate that you felt like you had to keep that worry to yourself. I hate even more that I yelled at you when you finally told me. What can I say? I freaked out," he explains.

    "I don't blame you for freaking out," I state. "That's eerily-familiar territory for you, and I'm sure I brought you back to that moment when you found out that Ashley was pregnant."

    "Um, yeah, there was that, but it was more that you would keep something that important from me."

     "I didn't want to worry you."

     "You said that. Still, that's what I was thinking at the time."

     "What happened when Ashley told you she was pregnant?" I ask masochistically. 

     He stays quiet for a few minutes, and I don't push him to answer me.

    He mildly surprises me when he does. "I did pretty close to what I did in the kitchen earlier. I freaked out and started yelling. She was supposed to be on the pill, but I later found out that she'd missed a day." He takes a deep breath and continues, "Then, I was determined for us to get married, even if it wouldn't happen until we were eighteen. That wasn't what she wanted. I still can't believe she wanted an abortion. She wanted to kill my baby. Oh, God!" Bryce's free hand moves to cover his eyes for a minute, and I stay silent, guessing that's the right thing to do, before he starts up again. "I hated her then. She acted like I had no say in the matter, and what could I do? That's when my parents offered to take it, the baby, Adele, if she would just carry her to term. She decided to do that, but during the pregnancy, she decided all of a sudden that she loved her and wanted to keep her and for us to be a family."

      I still lie here quietly because I can sense that Bryce has never really talked about any of this to anyone before.

      He continues, "I'd broken up with her during the start, but she drew me back in. It didn't take much effort on her part because I wanted Adele, and I wanted us to take responsibility for what we'd done and become a family, thankfully with my parents' help.

     "I think I never really loved her, especially after that breakup. I got back with her and did my best to believe that I loved her, but now that I look back on it, I realize I was miserable."

      He stays quiet while he squeezes me closer to him like he's afraid to let me go, and that makes me think of a question: "Would you have hated me if I'd decided to move back to Riverview?"

     He lets out an almost-silent, aggravated sigh. "Erin, there is not a thing you could do to make me hate you, and I would have chased you down all the way to Riverview and demanded that you marry me," he says in an ultra-serious voice.

     He actually said marry this time. My heart starts beating really fast. I was right. Bryce would've demanded that we get married. Wait...

     "Did you chase down Ashley after she went to Bridgeport?" I ask. 

     "Is today a day for comparisons?" he asks in a huff. "Fuck the bitch, Erin; you win hands down, okay?"

      "It was just a question," I say in a small voice, but I have to admit it's nice to hear Bryce say that 'I win.' It satisfies some carnal need that I can't quite identify at the moment.

      "No, I didn't. I sometimes wonder if I should have, but I never did. Maybe it was because I didn't really want her back. I hated that feeling of rejection and abandonment, especially so soon after my parents' death, but I knew I didn't care for her enough to put forth the effort." He adds, "Her parents followed her though."

      "They're still alive?" I ask, surprised they wouldn't want to see Adele.

      Bryce acts like he understands what I'm really asking. "Yes. They never gave a shit about Adele. Me, they treated me like I was less than dirt." He stays quiet for a second before he asks, "How come you never mention your dad?"

      "You want to change the subject. I'm sorry I'm talking about her," I state quietly.

      "I don't relish talking about her, but that did get me thinking. And I've never asked you even though I've wondered before now," he explains.

      "My parents divorced when I was seven. I haven't seen him since." I wonder if that's a reason I get along with Adele so well. I'll bet that's why I want to cry when I think about it too much. I take a deep breath and realize that if I were pregnant, Bryce wouldn't have to chase me down. No way would I ever raise a child with a missing parent, especially if that parent wants to be involved. I only thought of doing it while in a panic. I never would've stuck to that plan.

      "That might be a reason you're shy," he says quietly, talking about my missing father. I start hitting him. "I meant bashful! Bashful okay? Sorry!" he quickly and laughingly corrects himself. I can't help but laugh too before he pulls me up to him and kisses me wildly.

      We make out on the lounge chair until Adele comes home from school. Then she and Bryce head off to do their Tuesday picnic.


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Sorry for that awful cliffy last chapter. What can I say? I couldn't resist.
:D
To clarify/fit this chapter with chapter 6: Ashley didn't want Adele at all and wanted to abort her while Ashley's parents wanted her to put her up for adoption. Then, of course, we know that Bryce and his parents wanted Adele.
I also wanted to make it clearer that Bryce hasn't decided to speed up asking Erin to marry him, but it's always in the back of his mind. He still thinks that it's too soon. Erin has started to catch on at times when he'd let something slip that he didn't realize he'd said (ex/ an indirect comment or two that he talks about what he wants without meaning to).

68: The Question

Erin

     After I finish breakfast Tuesday morning and put my dish in the dishwasher, Bryce walks up behind me. His arms wrap around me, and I feel his stubble scratch me some as he plants slow kisses on the back of my neck.

     "I'm glad you stayed last night, even if it was only cuddling," he says into my hair. 

     I get the hint that he more than wants to cuddle right now as his hands hungrily travel over my abdomen. He groans and pulls me tight up against him, my back to his front.

     "Bryce, no," I say gently.

     "Still?" he asks. "Why didn't you say something then?" His voice sounds hurtfully accusing.

     "I told you. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. You wanted it, so I thought I'd be okay," I explain what I'd said before when he asked me about how I was after our last time in the hot tub. I woke up Sunday morning very sore and didn't want him to touch me hardly at all. I managed to keep him at arm's length all day yesterday too except for a little making out last night.

     "You should've stopped me," he says, still sounding hurt that I wasn't completely honest with him at the time.

    Suddenly, he freezes. "Erin?" he asks and turns me around to face him.

    "Hm?" 

    "How long have we been together?"

    "About a month I think," I say and smile a little.

    "A month," he states. "A month," he repeats thoughtfully.

    Shit. "Yeah, why?" I ask as innocently as possible. I still haven't started my period.

    "Maybe it's something I don't understand like the type of birth control," shit! "but did you have a period?" he asks with his brown eyes watching me closely. 

     

    I can't look him in the eyes, and the longer I'm quiet, the tenser he gets.

    Oh no.

    "Are you on some method to where you'll miss it?" he asks, determined to get me to talk.

    I shake my head no. Well, other women do. I've never missed it before. I've always been one of the 'lucky' ones to have a period anyway.

    "Um." His lips press together before he continues, "How long ago was the last one?"

    I'll claim it's none of his business! No, I can't do that. In this case, it's very much his business.

    "Six... maybe seven... weeks," I answer slowly, my eyes filling.

    He freezes solid. 

    I don't know what to do!

   "Erin, are you pregnant?!" he asks with increasing volume after standing perfectly still for about half a minute.

    Oh no. This is not good. He's pissed!

    I try to break out of his hold, and he only holds onto me tighter. "Bryce, let go!" I plead.

    "Absolutely not!" he says loudly. "Tell me."

    I start crying and keep trying to break free. Oh, why didn't I just start already?! Things would be so much easier!

    "Stop it, Erin!" he yells when I start getting violent, and I find out just how very strong Bryce is as his arms tighten around me like a vise.

    "No!" I scream.

    "No, you're not?"

    "No, let me go!"

    "Are you or aren't you?!" he yells loudly.

    I start frantically whispering, "Let me go. Let me go. Let me go."

    Bryce growls into my ear, "No, I am not going to fucking let you go until you answer my question."

    "I don't know," I cry.

   "Shit!" he yells while throwing his arms off  me and taking a step back with a wild look on his face. "You don't know?!"

    He's going to think I did this on purpose to get him to marry me or something, I think and start crying more.

    "So this is what was bugging you? 'It's probably nothing,' you said! This isn't nothing!" he rants.

    Since he's let go of me, I dart for the door.

    He's on me like a duck on a June bug, his hand circling my forearm and pulling me back to him. I only get as far as the hall.

    "Bryce, please," I say, bawling.

    He doesn't say anything but instead gently pulls me close with his hand cradling the back of my head. Yes, he's being gentle, but I can also sense that would change if I tried another escape attempt.

    "I'm sorry I yelled," he says quietly as he continues to try to calm me down. I want to say so much, but I can't stop crying long enough to get it out. I can tell he has a lot he wants to say, but he holds it in.

    "I'm... sorry," I let out with little hiccups. He's comparing me to Ashley right now, I just know he is. Shit, this is familiar territory for him, and I do not want that to be us! I start trying to break free again.

    "Stop trying to run, Erin. Please," he requests. He sounds calm, but his arms tighten the smallest amount.

    "I'm not her," I state with my sobs irritating the hell out of me. "I swear to you, I got my shot on time!"

     "Shot?" he asks in a sort of daze. "You're on the shot?"

     "Well yeah, you don't see me with a pack of pills do you? I'm not trying to get pregnant," I say with a mildly-stronger voice. If I am, then both of his children will have been surprises/accidents, I think and start bawling again.

    "Have you taken a test?" he asks calmly while stroking my back.

    "I'm afraid to. I keep waiting for mother nature to hurry up and pay me a visit," I say in between my tears.

    "And in your waiting, you decided not to tell me about it," he states with a touch of anger.

    "Why get you worried if you didn't have to be?"

    "Why in hell would I want you to worry alone?!" he growls.

    "I'm not her."

    He lets out an exasperated sigh and says, "No, damn it. You're not, so stop saying that." 

    He may have said that, but I know he doesn't mean it. I can tell by the way he's breathing fast. I know what he's feeling. He's feeling like the walls are closing in on him, and now he's trapped with me.

    "I'm sorry," I whisper. "I'm sorry to do this to you. You don't have to do anything. I'll... go back to Riverview or something if I have to. You can pretend like I was never here," I say, getting louder as I go.

    "Like hell I can!" he snarls. "Erin, you're not going back to Riverview. Would you stop it? Don't say shit like that!" He pulls me back and looks at me with a wide-eyed expression. "You promised you wouldn't leave!"

    "I don't want you to... feel obligated... about anything."

    "Obligated?" he asks incredulously. "Do you have any fucking idea how much I love you?" I don't answer, so he growls, "Stay here. I'm getting my shoes, and we're going out and buying a damn test kit." He lets go of me and looks at me warily for a second before he asks, "You're not going to try to run out on me again, are you?"  

     I hate how scared he sounds about everything. I shake my head no.
     He lets out a relieved breath, gently grabs my head, and kisses me on the forehead before he breathes, "Thank you."

Bryce

     Oh fuck, Erin's pregnant! Now she's going to think I'm only asking her to marry me because she's pregnant!
     I get up to my room, and I'm desperate to yell and throw a frustrated fit. I don't dare because that would scare Erin downstairs.
     The woman still...! She doesn't believe... ! How can she think to do that to me?! Shit! If she is, she'll always think that's why we're together! I'll never really get her to believe me! A small, panicked noise slips out of me. I work hard to keep it from happening again. Besides, I have to get down there before Erin gets the 'bright idea' to try and leave even though she said she wouldn't. I try not to think too much.

    I get downstairs and find Erin curled up into a ball against the wall. Her bloodshot eyes look up at me like she expects me to chastise her. It breaks my heart!
    I crouch down in front of her and wipe her cheeks.
    Is this the only way I can get a woman to stay with me? Get her pregnant?
    No, because Erin was ready to leave me anyway, I answer myself with a painful ache in my chest.
    I won't let her leave. If I have to tie her to the bed, I won't let her leave. I mentally shake my head at my crazy, but tempting, idea.
     "Let's go," I say quietly, and she nods her head before I help her stand up.

    Erin insists upon taking the test in private, so we come back home for her to go in the bathroom by herself.
     She locks the door.
     I go and have a seat on the edge of my bed to wait for the news that might change my life. Part of me wants her to be pregnant. Yes, it would be hell convincing her that that's not the only, or even the main, reason why I want her to marry me, but we'd still have a baby.
     A baby with Erin, I think and smile for the first time in what feels like ages.

     How long has it been? Surely, it's been at least five minutes. How long is she going to stay in there? Why don't I get to see too?
     This is driving me CRAZY!

     The bathroom door finally opens, and Erin walks out with an unreadable expression on her face.
     I decide I'd better stay sitting as I impatiently ask, "Well? What does it say?"

.........













to be continued...

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*runs and ducks away from things being thrown at her for daring to leave that kind of a cliffy*

*cackles wildly while finding a nice hiding place*

*stays silent*