80: Confession

Belinda

     We haven't spoken since our fight at Adele's birthday party almost a week ago.

     I think I... really like Julian. Something happened over the past few weeks ever since I told him about my collection of records. I don't know. He went from being a nice older guy to someone I could actually see myself with.

     That night when I went to his house and we were dancing was when I really realized I liked him. It felt so right, and I thought he surely was about to kiss me before the pizza guy showed up. Since he didn't kiss me after all, I'd wondered at the time if I'd imagined the whole thing. Then, that moment before I left, something was there for him as well. For once, I didn't want to make the first move, not with him. I didn't think he'd go for that, and I didn't want to turn him off. He looked like was going to kiss me then too, but did he? No. I wanted him to, but then I started wondering, again, if it was all in my imagination. Feeling stupid, I stormed out of the house, not to see him until the party.

     At the party, I was a little surprised to see him, but then again, he has been hanging around our little group more often. Ever since that night when he punched Sean before Sean beat him up, Erin and Bryce have really welcomed him into our little circle. Sometimes, I'd secretly flatter myself that he was around us to see me since he'd seek me out to talk to especially, but now I wonder if that was wishful thinking.

      He'd been talking to Lynne when I showed up and laughing about something or other, so I walked over to see what was so funny. Then he made up some lame excuse (I don't remember right now) and walked away!

     When the party had started winding down, I'd gone and leaned against the outside wall of Bryce's house, and Julian approached me to talk, finally.

     "Why are you over here sulking?" he asked.

     "I'm not sulking," I childishly denied.

     "Then please explain that look on your face."

     "What look?"

     "You're pouting about something."

     "I'm not allowed to pout if I want to?" I argued back and started walking towards the pool.

     "I'm only trying to help," he told me with a scowl on his face.

     I wanted to scream. Instead, I made my way to the beach. He followed me.

     "You left your box of records at my house the other day," he said from behind me.

     "I know. I forgot them since I left angrily because -" I can't say it.

     "Because?" he prompted me to finish.

      Because I felt like a fool thinking you were about to kiss me when you weren't. I didn't speak my thoughts.

     "Because I was angry that I thought the wrong thing," I answered vaguely.

     "What wrong thing?"

     "Forget it," I said and waved him off.

     "Because things got a little awkward?" he asked.

     Huh? 
     "It didn't feel awkward to me," I replied. "Until nothing happened," I finished bravely, baiting him.

     "You wanted something to happen?" he asked, looking worried.

     "How was it awkward to you?" I asked instead of answering his question.

      He took a deep breath, and I looked up into his perpetually sad blue eyes as he said, "I'm too old for you, Belinda. I almost kissed you, and I shouldn't have done that."

      I wasn't imagining it! He admitted it! Wait... "Too old for me?"

      "How old are you exactly, if you don't mind me asking?"

      "Twenty-five," I answered. He did want to kiss me. "But I don't see how that matters."

      "I'm fourty-three," he told me. "It matters. I've buried my wife and raised my daughter alone. You're young and don't deserve someone with my kind of baggage."

        What!

      "With your... I don't... 'Deserve'?!" I got madder by the second. There stood a man that I'd started to become attracted to, and he was pushing me away even though he admitted he felt something for me, at least something enough to where he wanted to kiss me. "I don't believe this!" I yelled. Julian looked surprised.

      "I'm sorry I brought it up," he said quickly. "You're right. This is a crazy idea to begin with."

      I wanted to slap him. "No! I don't believe how you're using that excuse," I corrected him.

      "It's a valid reason!" he cried out.

      "No, it isn't! Cut the crap. Either you like me like that or you don't," I demanded bravely, my heart racing. I'd had enough beating around the bush. He said so himself: he almost kissed me. I knew, I knew he couldn't deny it to my face that he liked me, and he needed to admit it.

      "I don't," he answered, and my heart stopped beating. "I'm sorry our friendship has had to come to this. I'm sorry I gave you mixed signals that made you think I wanted to be more than friends." He offered up a sad smile and continued while I stood there in silent shock, "You're too good for me, Belinda. I'd just drag you down anyway."

      My mouth opened, and no sound came out. What was I supposed to say to that? Mixed signals? What the hell!
      I quietly stormed off, nearly running into Bryce as I made my way to my car.

     Now, I have the heartache of knowing that I like him and him not feeling the same. He thinks he's too old for me. When I look at Julian, I don't see his age. I see his experience instead. I have a silly notion of wanting to run up and cling to that like it's what I need most in the whole world. I see that he's had a heartbreaking past, and I love making him smile so much it's like my whole purpose in life. Even before I realized I was doing it, I liked being goofy around him and putting a smile on his often-frowning face. I'd thought that's why he gravitated to me often, because I could do that. Then, I thought that he was attracted to me as well. Boy, was I wrong. I'm just the goofy friend.

     I wring my hands nervously because my next scheduled customer is him. He'd scheduled this a month or so ago. I kept thinking he'd cancel it because of what happened the last time, but he never did.

     How can I do this?! Oh, not to mention this goes against the code of ethics, but that's the least of my concerns.

     Maybe he won't show up.

     He walks over to my table with a worried expression on his face. I have no idea what my expression is. Wordlessly, I gesture to the table, and he lies down upon it.

     From our past discussions, I learned that Julian had at one time been a boxer and then a bodybuilder before he met his wife. He'd told me people thought he'd made up his last name when really it was kind of funny that he did what he did with the surname he had. Although I'm sure it's diminished since then, he still hasn't lost his muscular physique.

      I haven't spoken to the man in almost a week, and now I have to give him a massage?
      I warm up my hands and get started on his back. Well, I try to.

      I can't do it! I think in a sad way and quickly run off with him calling my name in question. I can't let him see me cry, and the damn tears are on their way.

     How could I have been so stupid as to believe he had feelings for me? I think again like I have so many times this week.

      If Lynne were here and not at home packing for her upcoming trip, she would've never let Julian keep his appointment.

      "Belinda!" I hear spoken loudly behind me before I duck into one of the shelters.

      Don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry!!! I think while breathing too fast to keep the crying away. I hear my name again, this time closer.

       "No," I whine when Julian walks in. My own stupidity nags at me mercilessly.

       He doesn't listen to me and instead reaches for me. "Come here," he says and pulls me to him before wrapping his arms around me. "I'm sorry," he says very quietly down to me.

       That's not what I want to hear, and, still feeling pathetic, I start bawling... just like the baby he takes me for.

       He starts petting my hair while he says, "I didn't cancel the appointment because I wanted to see you. The Flamingo's being rebuilt. I didn't find you at Hurricane. I don't know where you live. So, I thought I'd keep this appointment." I feel him rest his head on top of mine before he whispers, "I've missed you."

       Jerk! How dare you make it sound like you missed me in that way?!

       Still angry, I snap, "It's not even been a week."

       I feel him let out a quiet sigh before he says, "It's been a very long week."

       "I haven't seen Erin or Ginger in that long, and I haven't started missing them really, so how can you say that about me since we're only friends?" I snarl, and he lets out a huff of air like someone punched him. My heart is being ripped and shredded with a tiger's claws because of the way he implied that he 'missed' me. I start trying to wiggle free.

      "I have a confession to make," he mumbles and easily holds me tighter.

      "Let me go," I demand, determined to ignore his 'confession.'

      "I lied," he says plainly, and I stop struggling for a minute. "I thought I had to."

      "You thought you had to lie?" I want him to clarify everything before I go jumping to conclusions that I may have jumped to already.

       "Yes. To protect you." His voice sounds strained.

       "You lied to me?"

       "Yes," he answers patiently.

       "About what?" I have to ask. Admit it! Tell me I'm not crazy!

       He stiffens up a little before he answers, "About how I feel about you."

       "And I need protecting from that?" I ask obstinately.

       "Yes!" he answers emphatically and holds the sides of my face. He backs up a little so he can look at me. "You have your whole life ahead of you! How selfish can I be to take that from you? You don't need somebody like me."

       'Take'? My face screws up as I openly say, "Well, what if you're exactly what I want?" So what if I'm about to embarrass myself again. I've already dropped to that low point anyway.

       "I don't believe you."
      I glare at him, and my ears start feeling hot. If I were to look in a mirror right now, I wouldn't be surprised to see steam shooting out my ears. How dare he not believe me!
      Before I can lay into him, he continues, "You don't know what you want. You only think you know what you want. I do need to apologize for lying to you, though."

       "So. You admit you have feelings for me but then don't want me to feel the same. You think that you're selfish if we start something." I start shaking from pent up rage, and I debate testing to see just how good a fighter he used to be because I want to beat the crap out of him.

       "Yes," he gets in quickly.

       "You know what, Julian?" I snap, ready to let him have it, ready to throw at him all my frustrated embarrassment felt over the last few weeks. "You're not 'taking' anything from me unless you refuse to be with me on some stupid idea that you'll 'drag me down' because the only thing you could be 'taking' from me would be the possibility of very happy life."

       He kisses me.

       More like, he slams into me with a passionate brute force that blots out everything else. It's just Julian, Julian everywhere like he's ravenous for me. All I can do is try to respond as I cling to him.

      He leaves my mouth for a second to quickly bend down, reach under my skirt, pull down my panties, and lift me onto the table in the room we're in, pulling my panties the rest of the way off once my feet have left the floor. Then he lifts my skirt back, pulls me towards him, removes his towel and pushes himself inside me, making me cry out in surprise. He's fast.

       He starts repeatedly thrusting into me hard and slow. A groan comes out of him while his hands reach down and hold my ass and hips to him. He's incredible! I wrap my legs around his hips, trying to help him go deeper. He does.

     Suddenly, he jerks my dress off and throws it to the floor. I have to reach behind me to keep my head from slamming into the wall while his demanding thrusts push me to the middle of the table. He follows me onto it, pulling my legs up onto his shoulders.

     "I need your mouth," he growls as he holds the back of my head and bends down to own my mouth with his tongue. His thrusts don't stop as he begins to turn us so that I'm lying on my back on the table. I can't move much at all because of the way he has me folded in half, but it doesn't matter.

      I've never had it this good, and I want to cry out from the insanity. I have to turn my head and bite my finger to find some outlet for the waves of white-hot pleasure. If I should be as loud as I want, someone would hear us, and I could get in serious trouble.

      Not knowing what else to do but ride the crazy bliss he gives me, I desperately hold onto his shoulders and neck with my free hand. I start frantically clawing at his back as everything goes up a notch, and my hand covers my mouth to muffle my uncontrollable scream when he reaches my g-spot.

      I'm caught in a swirling vortex of pleasure as my body comes into him. I can't move, but I still tense and push harder into him as much as I'm able. He groans again and pounds into me as he comes again and again, pushing me against the table.
      The two of us lie here panting to catch our breath, and a thin sheen of sweat covers us. Only now do I begin to think about what just happened. Julian just fucked me hard... and on someone else's table. Wow.

      "I could get in... so much trouble," I pant, and he chuckles a little as he gently pulls my legs off his shoulders.

       "At least you didn't have any other appointments scheduled," he points out in a low, quiet mumble. A delayed aftershock surprises me, and he moans and presses into me as much as he can.

       I start shaking as the unexpected waves hit me, and Julian acts like he knows exactly what to do about them, which is another surprise... like he knew this would happen.

      "Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh," I tremble out.

      "Shh. Try to stay quiet," he croons to me.

      "What," I pant, "is happening to me?"

      He rocks his hipbone against my clitoris, and I my body moves of its own will. He shrugs. "Aftershocks."

     "Huh?" I nearly squeak before another one hits me. I pant in an interlude, knowing another one is coming if Julian moves a... it happens... certain way.

     "This could go on for hours sometimes," he explains with a devilish grin that I've never seen before on his face.

      I whimper. I'm losing my mind!

       So, so many different guys I've dated and slept with, and nothing has ever compared to this. I'd tried so many different things, trying to find perfection, and I found it today. It's not what you do so much as who you do it with, I realize.

       "I don't have hours," I gasp. I am still at work after all.

       "Hm. True," he says before leaning down and lovingly kissing me. "Why don't you, um, come by my place tonight? Maybe we can be a little more serious then and talk about this."

      "This right now?" I ask and try to keep my eyes from crossing.

      He smiles. "No, I mean us." He kisses me once before continuing, "If you think we can do this, then I'm not going to try to stop it anymore. Well, obviously."

      How is he in so much control of himself right now?!

      "Okay?" he asks and stops his hips.

      "Okay," I whisper. He pulls out, and I miss him already. "Tonight then," I say in a calmer voice. Then, a thought occurs to me. His daughter. "What about Maggie?"

     Julian looks a little sad. "I have no idea how she's going to react to me dating again."

      I nod in an understanding way. "We'll play it by ear or something."

      He puts his towel back around him, and I find my dress and panties and put them back on.

      He draws me into his arms again and taps my nose playfully with his finger as he says, "I'd planned on showing up today to try to gauge if anything had changed. Then you pointed to the table, so I laid down on it, thinking you'd changed your mind. But when you suddenly left like you were hurting, I knew I had to do something. Although, at the time, I thought I'd try to make having us not a reality easier for you. Thank you for changing my mind." He kisses me.

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I really do apologize for the purple prose I sometimes use. I simply can't help myself. <3
Also, to those of you that notice these things, I forgot about Julian's tattoos until I'd finished shooting, but I didn't wanna go back and reshoot the whole thing. Not to mention I'm not 100% sure they'd work since I only have NL and FL installed on the laptop. (Installing everything was a massive disaster.)
Bonus points to anyone who noticed the other minor mistake. ;)