14: Insecurities

Bryce

     'The asshole didn't want to break up.' Erin's words run through my head over and over again. 'I don't want to be found.' Then I think, For over two months, she still lived in that town, and now she doesn't want to be found. That tells me one thing - he wants her back.
      I sit here and imagine how it probably was. Erin saying she doesn't want to be found implies to me that he probably frequently came by her mom's house to try and get her to take him back. I'm really happy she didn't.
       Yet, Erin says that Meredith looked smug that she got what she wanted. If Sean was constantly, or even frequently, coming by then Meredith couldn't have been very happy with that. I wonder if Sean and Meredith really got together after all or is that just what Erin thinks?
      My insecurities continue to plague me as I hold her tighter. She is running from him, I think as I start kissing her behind her ear. I don't want her to be found either. She feels way too good in my arms for me to want to let her go.
      She's worried it's happening again.
      I have to make her understand that this triangle is different. So, we discuss it for a minute. I think I get the point across enough to where she can start to get it.

      She noticeably relaxes. She'd gotten tense when I asked her what had happened.
     I start kissing her down her jaw and can't help but think two things: One: I am, without a doubt, madly in love with her; Two: I'm very worried Sean is looking for her. It's not impossible to find someone depending on how much they have to spend. A private detective is all it takes in many cases. I wonder how well Erin covered her tracks. I don't like how she'd only told her mom where she'd gone, but I also can't help but feel glad that not everyone knows. It's possible one of them could go and tell Sean. There are just too many possibilities.
     She turns around and looks at me, and for some inexplicable reason, she removes my sunglasses. Just like that. She didn't ask. I wonder why as I watch her fold them up and put them gently on the ground under us.
     As I watch her I think, What is it about her? Sure, she's beautiful, but that's not just it. I really wish I knew.
      She stops and sees me looking at her, and I watch as her pupils dilate right before my eyes. I'm unable to resist leaning forward to kiss her before pulling her back so that she rests on top of me. The entire time I refuse to break the kiss.
     In the back of my mind, I notice the park is getting invaded by tourists. I should've known. It's Sunday. This is the overlook park. Of course they're going to want to visit here on their first day. Duh.
      "Let's get out of here," I murmur to her.
      "Good idea." she says quietly back to me. "Where?"
     "There's a little-known pond I like to fish at sometimes. There's not anything there but the pond so we probably won't be disturbed," I answer as we both get up. I grab my sunglasses.
     On the drive over there, she explains to me that my sunglasses make her self-conscious because she can see herself in them. That's a shame. I like my sunglasses. People can't tell where my eyes are turned when I'm wearing them. Of course, that's when I was still on the prowl. Still, Erin might be even more self-conscious if she knew where my eyes go most of the time. I guess she'll find out if she asks me not to wear them. Her fault then, I think and smile to myself as I park the car close to the little trail leading up to the pond.
     Erin gets out of the car, throws her arms out, and faces the sky as she takes in a big breath. I must look ridiculous as I stand here and stare at her body move as she starts turning in a circle in the sunlight.
      "I love being outside," she explains with a small smile when she sees me looking at her.
     "I noticed," I say simply. I'm mesmerized as she undoes her braid because it has started unraveling on his own anyway. She just smiles at me when she sees me staring. I mentally shake my head as we both start for the short path up the hill.

     I guess the view from here is nice as well. It's even better at night... if the bugs don't eat you alive that is. The heavy foliage keeps the wind down.
     I watch her as Erin turns around and looks at the lagoon. She starts asking me about coconuts. I tell her I used to be able to climb up and get them, and that Pam used to laugh at me and call me 'monkey boy' when we were kids. Erin laughs and says she can see that.
      "I was always so tempted to throw them at her head just because," I say and Erin turns to look at me with mild shock on her face. I shrug and explain, "What are little brothers for?" I smile. "A few times I threw them towards her, but not at her. She'd freak out and start yelling at me. That was fun. I'd get in so much trouble when she tattled on me. Didn't stop me from doing it again after a while."

     Then she asks about my parents. So, I tell her the story of how they died in a car crash. It was with the money I got when they died that I used to buy the bar and my house. Pam paid her house off and put the rest in savings. I'd rather have my parents back than the money they left us. My mom would've really gotten along great with Adele. She liked to talk incessantly as well, but Mom died when Adele was a toddler.
      I feel a little disoriented as I notice how easy it is to tell Erin anything. This realization worries me, and I can't help but feel the whole situation is snowballing out of control. I really need to find out where we are going before it's too late - which it may already be that way. How do I find out without having yet another serious talk though?
      She must've noticed something in my expression because she asks, "What is it?"
      Great, now what?! I think before I quickly decide to try to get what I need to know out of her by picking up from our previous conversation.
      "I'm just concerned why you said you didn't want to be found," I start.
      For some reason, she breathes a sigh of relief. Then she says, "Oh, that. Don't be concerned. I don't want... some people... to try to drag me back." She bites her lip.
      Uh huh.
    Her eyes widen for a fraction of a second before she tries to clarify, "Like my brother, for instance."
      "This is the first I've heard of a brother," I mention. A brother? An overprotective brother that thinks you shouldn't have broken up with Sean? Why else not tell him where you went?
       She nervously tucks her hair behind her ear as I wait for more of an explanation.
      "Well, he wasn't against me breaking it off with him, but he wouldn't think me moving off on my own would be a very good idea. So, I never told him. He's filled my email inbox with messages telling me how irresponsible I am and how I'm putting my safety at risk and all that. Sometimes, I think he thinks he's the older one."
      "So, you think if he could he'd try to drag you back home -- for your own safety." I stop and think for a minute. "Well, I guess I can understand that." I feel my brows come together as I try to form the question that I've been building to. I look at the ground and ask, "But he's not the only one, is he? I mean... what about Sean?" My eyes fly back up to her face at her intake of breath.
      I continue, "I'm right aren't I? You're worried he's looking for you." I momentarily wonder if I've crossed some line she didn't want to cross. Too bad.
      "That idea has occurred to me, yes," she finally answers quietly.
      I knew it, I think without any satisfaction.

      "Are you really worried about that?" she asks. "I mean, do you honestly think I'd take him back? I don't want to be found because I don't want to be pestered to death." She walks up and wraps her arms around my shoulders. Mine automatically go around her waist.
      I get quiet because I can't think of a good way to tell her what I'm thinking. She was engaged to this man. That's quite a history all by itself. Then, the fact that she ran away tells me she was worried that if she stayed she might take him back. The odds are just too good that he'll find her... eventually. In a small way, I hope he does. I'd like to beat the crap out of him, then thank him for sending her here. However, I also can't help but worry, like she said, that if he shows back up on the scene that she'd take him back.
      She has 'kiss me' written all over her face, but I force myself to hold back. I can't get pulled into that trap right now because I can't stand it. I have to know.
     "Bryce, what's wrong?" she asks me, now with a worried look in those gorgeous eyes of hers.
     I suppose she's mirroring my worried look, so I close mine. Okay, so maybe I can't tell her anything. I still don't know how to ask this. How do I, this early in the relationship, ask her where she thinks this is going? I am so out of practice with the serious stuff. Also, I admit, I'm a little afraid of the answer I might get. Maybe I just shouldn't ask that right now. After all, she said she didn't want to be pestered to death, so I shouldn't bring it up. Yeah, it's just too early. Her answer could change later, after all.
     I feel her fingernail graze my lower lip as she quietly says to me, "I wouldn't in a million years take that asshole back, if that's what you're thinking. I wish I knew what you were thinking. Sorry if that's not what you're thinking, but that's the only thing I can guess from what we were talking about." I wonder if she even knows how what she's doing to my lip is affecting me. "Bryce?" she asks, and I open my eyes again.

      Damn it! I think as I just give in and kiss her. It's what she wants anyway, isn't it? I mean, isn't this why we chose a more secluded spot? Yes, nice and secluded and holy shit I want this woman. I hear myself let out a groan as I re-explore the inside of her mouth. She lets out the tiniest of gasps as the arm I still have around her waist tightens, pressing her up against me. You bet your ass, Erin, that is exactly what you think it is. I suppress a chuckle from the shocked and nervous way she's acting. That wouldn't be very nice. So, instead of laughing, my hand moves to that ass to pull her even closer. After all, I don't want to leave a doubt in her pretty little head exactly what it is that I want right now. That, and she has one sweet ass.
      I groan again as the hand that was on the back of her neck moves down to her back, and I lift her up a little as I leave her mouth and travel to her collarbone. She sounds like she's hyperventilating. She's going to ask me to stop... just as soon as she can catch her breath.
      "Bryce..." Yep. I knew it. "I..."
      I don't stop because she hasn't really asked me to yet. I'm too busy with her neck, and I'm going to drag this out as long as possible. Maybe I can change her mind...
       She continues, "I'm not saying... that I don't want to." But just not yet. "But just not yet."
      Shit.
      Well, at least she stopped me before things could really get out of control.
      I find it in me to stop and rest my forehead on her shoulder. I have to close my eyes to keep from looking down her dress as I stand here just breathing, still holding her tightly and listening to her doing the same. Without even thinking, I discover myself kissing her shoulder almost absentmindedly. I only realize it's happening when she sighs and tilts her head to grant me more access. But she asked me to stop, I think as I feel my hands ball up into fists. It must be that just kissing is okay. But I don't think I can stop at just that right now.
      I let out a frustrated grunt and say, "Then let's just go sit down over there." I point to an opening in the bushes where we can look out over stuff. She plops herself down and I sit down behind her similar to the way we'd sat on the lounge chairs at the park. I'm glad she doesn't complain when I pull her very close up to me.

     My mind is suddenly flooded with possibilities as we sit here on the ground like this. Damn it, and I was trying to be serious for once. Now I find myself imagining all the things I could try to get away with as I run my hand up and down her arm. But, for once, I want more than that.
      "What are you doing to me, Erin?" I ask before I can check myself. It just slipped out. She could really take that the wrong way.
     She smiles a little smile and obviously tries not to laugh as she answers, "I thought you understood that by now."
      I get a little mad as I lightly shake her shoulder and say, "That's not what I meant." I exhale in a huff and rest my forehead on her shoulder again, wanting to whimper for several reasons. I have to fucking tell her before I go insane from trying to hold back, I think, thinking about how I've fallen in love with her. However, I can't seem to find a way to do it because I'm afraid of hearing what she'd say afterwards. If only there was just some way I could just tell her and not have to listen to a reply, that'd be great. Without realizing it at first, I start gripping her shoulder tightly and holding her to me so close that I can feel a slight strain in the muscles in my arm.
      She squirms, and I realize what I'm doing so I slacken my grip. She says, "Again, I wish I knew what you were thinking. What do you mean by 'that's not what I meant'?"
     "I don't know what I meant," I say, taking the chicken shit way out.

      She takes her turn exhaling in a huff and leans back on my shoulder. She's not buying it, but she's also not pushing me either. All the more reason I want to tell her. I realize it's nigh upon impossible she feels the same way, but it doesn't matter. Still, hearing an 'I don't feel the same way' right now would hurt a little. Maybe it does matter. That's why I shouldn't tell her.
      I keep this circle of thoughts going around and around in my head as I feel her relax more and more against me. A few times, I wonder if she's gone to sleep; she's so quiet. I wonder if she didn't sleep well last night. It would be nice to just watch her sleep, I think as she rests even more against me. I reach up and carefully brush her hair over her shoulder so that I don't wake her -- if she's asleep that is. The bare flesh of her shoulder calls to me, and I can't help but lean down to run my mouth along her flawless skin.
      What if I just tell her while she's asleep? That could work. I would have said it, and I wouldn't have to listen to a response. I could just... say it.
      I haven't said that in years... other than to Adele and my sister, but that's not the same thing.
      I exhale almost painfully and her eyes pop open, I guess from the force of my breathing. I missed my chance.
     She jumps up to a straighter sitting position and say, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Bryce! I didn't sleep well last night. I didn't mean to almost fall asleep! I just got so comfortable..."

      I laugh a little at the consternation in her expression and say, "Don't worry about it. Sleep if you want to. Yesterday was a busy day." Yes, and I shouldn't make a big deal out of today because of it. Give her time to recover. I don't need to tell her right now. I lightly encourage her to lay back again, and this time she scoots a little forward before she lays back.
      "But I wish I wasn't so tired. It's just I'm so comfortable and the lack of sleep and stuff that it's hard to keep my eyes open."
      "Then sleep. I don't mind, honestly," I say before I rest my chin on her head. "I'm just sitting here thinking anyway." Whoops. Here comes the 'what are you thinking about' question, I think with a wince.
      "About stuff you don't want to talk about," she says.
      I breathe a sigh of relief before I say, "About stuff I don't know how to say. When I figure that out, I'll let you know. Promise."
      "Is it bad?" she asks, obviously feeling insecure.
      I laugh quietly a little to hopefully ease the tension and say, "No. It's not bad." It could be though if I say it wrong.
      I feel her start to relax a little again before she complains of a crick forming in her neck. So, we twist around as she lays down on the grass. I lean on my elbow next to her and watch her eyes as she looks up at the treetops, again glad this place isn't well-known.

    It's not long before she closes her eyes and falls asleep. She looks so beautiful and peaceful that it takes everything I have to keep from kissing her. I'm happy she feels so comfortable around me that she can fall asleep just like that. She worried I'd mind? No. This makes things easier. I can just lie here and think without her wondering what I'm thinking.
      Okay, Sean. I guess I don't blame you one bit. I don't want to let her go either.
      And to think, I've only really known her less than a week.
      He was an idiot.
      I love you, Erin. ... Just say it, damn it!
      Why can't I say it? Why do I feel like I have to?
      I wonder if she's really asleep? I run my finger gently along her chin. She smiles a little and makes a cute little 'hm' noise to which I can't help but laugh silently.
     Then, she rolls onto her side facing me and nuzzles her head into the area between my shoulder and neck after I wrap both my arms around her. Oh, this is just too damn perfect.
      I wait a little while for her breathing to take up an even rhythm. My heart starts racing, I guess with mild fear, as I lean down and whisper in her ear, "I love you, Erin."