11: A Puddle

     Again, I'm up with the sun. I couldn't help but want to get up -- everything looks so beautiful this morning. I just can't stay inside, so I take my cup of coffee and go sit outside behind my house. 

      I need to buy a laptop. That would be great to sit outside and write. However, I'm not made of money. My little cushion I have isn't going to last forever, and I'd better be very careful, especially with the miniscule amount of actual writing I've done lately. Ideas, sure, I've got ideas, but I haven't typed anything up since that day I first met Bryce.

      Bryce.

      What on earth am I going to do? I'd stayed up a little later last night, thinking. I. Don't. Want. To. Break. Up. With. Him. Plain and simple. I really like him, I mean, really like him. But... what's going to happen when this first week is over? Is he going to drop me?

     Shit. Erin, just remember his sister's reaction. I take a deep breath and focus on that. Pamela looked so happy for him. She said she'd been waiting a long time for Bryce to introduce someone as his girlfriend, telling me that he never introduced, if at all, all those other 'girls of the week' as a girlfriend. Then there were all those girls Pamela herself set him up with because I'm assuming the waitress wasn't the only one.

     Oh... I think as pain and fear pierce my heart. I'm in danger.

     I'm in very great danger of falling in love. This is too soon after Sean.

     Well, it's been three months. Is that long enough?

     Regardless, Bryce is probably not the kind of person a girl needs to fall in love with. -- I just ended a sentence in a preposition. Screw it. Bryce is not the kind of person with which a girl need fall in love. That sounds ridiculous. At any rate, the sentence, no matter how it's constructed, is a true one.

     I decide what I'm going to do. I'm going to stay with Bryce, but be very careful. I like him. I like being around him. Ugh. It may be too late.

     I pick my coffee cup up off of the ground where I laid it down and go inside to actually write some. I have a good run with it. That whole idea of someone else liking him really works. Still, I think this plot needs a few more strings in the web. They'll come to me.

     I hear a knock from behind me and see Bryce peering at me through the little window in my door. I smile a little, hold up one finger, and turn back around to turn my computer off. It wouldn't do for him to read any of this.

     I open the door to him smiling at me. He's wearing those sunglasses again and another 80s band t-shirt.
      "Hey," I say simply. Something about his smile this morning gives me butterflies in my stomach.
      Without warning, he scoops me up in his arms and holds me to him as he says "Hey, beautiful." Then I'm treated to another 'Bryce kiss' as he lifts me a little and kicks the door closed behind him while walking the rest of the way into the house. I've heard of girls getting swept off their feet, but I've never thought of it in a literal way. That thought makes me start giggling through the kiss.
     He pulls back and looks at me with a mildly happy yet confused expression as he asks, "What?"
     Those sunglasses make me self-conscious since I can see myself in them, so I look down at that little space between his shoulder blades as I say, "You came in here and literally swept me off my feet." I look back up and see myself smiling at him.
     He smiles back and says, "So I did." He kisses me again with a little less intensity this time before he pulls back to say, "Let's get out of here."
      "And do what?" I ask.
      He shrugs and says, "I don't know exactly. Let's just go."

     He eventually decides to take me to this overlook park. It doesn't really matter to me where we go, I tell him, I just like to be outside.
     His car is Really. Nice. It's kind of a shame the park is so close. We could've walked, but it's kind of fun to ride in this car. Yes, I'm a sucker for a nice car, contrary to the way I tried to scoff at it yesterday. There, I admitted it. Stereotypical blonde drooling over a hot guy with a nice car... Geez, sometimes I am so simple-minded.
     I have no idea why they built this overlook only halfway up the mountain, but there are big platforms that you'd have to climb a buttload of stairs to get to the top though. I guess it's possible to see a lot from way up there.
     "Pretty," I say, sounding a bit like an airhead once we've parked and gotten out of the car. Maybe the airheaded-ness is a residual effect from the car. I quietly huff in mild annoyance at myself and get immediately drawn to a pretty, little bridge going over a little bit of water. I mean a little bit. A puddle. Such a small bit that it would be easy to just walk around it. But did they leave it at that? No. They built a pretty, little bridge. It's kind of romantic-looking actually, so I'm not saying I don't like it. 

      I'm also drawn to the bridge as an escape because I can sense this intensity coming off of Bryce in almost visible waves. Something is on his mind, and I can't decide if I want to ask him about it or not. I hear him walking up the stairs behind me, and I decide to lean on the railing to look at the water lilies with 'what are you thinking about?' on the tip of my tongue.
     He leans on the railing next to me and asks, "Are you okay?"
     "Yeah, why do you ask?"
     He makes a gesture with his hands going palm up for a second and then back down, kind of a shrug for hands. "I mean about yesterday late afternoon. Jesse," he clarifies.
     "Oh," I say. "I still don't know what to think yet... other than I'm pissed off at him."
     "I wish his damn phone hadn't gone to voicemail every time I called him yesterday," he says ruefully. "I'd wanted to tell him... to tell him about us before he did something stupid. Fail."
      I make an observation. "You sound like you're not mad at him."
     He runs his hands through his hair after he pushes off from the wall, scratches the back of his neck, and looks at me for a minute. I wonder to myself if he has any idea how hot he looks doing that.
       I wish I could read his eyes as he says, "I'm not really. I can bet you he's mad at me, but I'm not mad at him. It's strange, I know."

     I push off from the wall as well and stand here in front of him. I can't look at my reflection in his glasses. "Bryce, I don't want to come between the two of you," I say quietly, worried about what he'll make of that.
     He lets out a huff and says, "It's not like this is the first time this has happened."
     "Yes, you said that. But they all went home. I'm not leaving."

     All of a sudden, his hands fly up to either side of my face as he says, "I know! And do you have any idea how wonderful that is?" I get the impression he's wanting to shake some sense into me.
      I didn't think about how what I said would affect him. Leaving. I'm not leaving. That was a really nice thing for me to say.
     Okay, now I'm glad for those sunglasses he's wearing. They're probably sparing me from a very intense stare, as I can guess he's thinking that 'stare at me all day long' thing he mentioned the other night. He takes a deep breath like he's going to say something, but he lets it out and doesn't say whatever it is.
      What were we talking about? Oh yeah.
     "I'll hate myself if I come between best friends," I reiterate.
     "Too late, Erin, and don't hate yourself," he says, his hands still on either side of my face like they're glued there. It's very hard to maintain my composure under this way he stares at me, even with the sunglasses. He brushes his thumbs on my cheekbones, and I have to close my eyes.
     "The whole situation is so familiar in a frightening way."
     "I know," he says comfortingly. "But this time it won't end like the last time. I guess you could say Jesse and I have had a lot of practice at this."
     It just spills out of me -- "He kissed me." My eyes fly open in shock that I'd said what I'd said. I mean, I needed to tell him, but that wasn't the best way of doing it.
      I can't see his eyes, but I do see his jaw clench.
     "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you like that."
     "Before or after you told him we were dating?" he asks in a clipped tone.
     Oh crap. "After," I say in a small voice. He exhales roughly through his nose and drops his hands from my face. I feel terrible and a little bit scared. He turns away from me and runs his hands through his hair. His whole posture displays his anger. I quickly walk off the bridge. I'll walk home if I need to.
     "Erin!" he calls after me.

     I quicken my pace, but he catches up with me in no time flat. His hands pull on my shoulders gently and I stop. I may as well.
     "Where are you going?" he asks, sounding worried.
     "I thought I might just let you be angry." I was escaping. "You see! This is why this won't work from the get-go."
     "What!?" he exclaims. "So I got a little mad finding out my best friend kissed my girlfriend. That's between me and him, and you don't need to worry about it. I mean, you threw a picture at him so that tells me you were mad. Now I finally know why you got that mad."
     "But Bryce, for a split-second I thought about kissing him back. Then I got horrified at myself."
     He actually chuckles quietly. Huh? "It's not easy to not kiss someone back when they're kissing you." He rests his slightly-scruffy chin on the back of my shoulders and wraps his arms around my waist. I can almost feel him smile as he says, "The point is you didn't. And even if you had, I'd still only be mad at him."
     I groan in exasperation.
     "What?" he asks, obviously confused by my groan.
     "I don't want you to be mad at him. I don't want him to be mad at you."
     I feel him shrug behind me before he says, "It won't last long."
     "But..." I start to say, but I stop when he moves.

     He unwraps his arms, takes a step back and takes my hand. Then he pulls me behind him as we head over to some lounge chairs.
     "What is it?" I ask as I bounce along behind him very similar to the way I did heading to the scooter to go meet Adele yesterday.
      "We... are going to sit down and hash this out."
     He sits down on one of the lounge chairs, and I head for the one next to it.
      "No..." he says in an admonishing manner. "Sit here with me please. Okay?" He gently pulls me to him. So, I sit down in front of him as he arranges himself behind me and pulls me close. This is good that I'm sitting down. It's these little things that are going to get me.

      I am So. Happy. right now. I don't really know what it is. I'm about to have a serious talk with my new boyfriend, and I'm ecstatically happy. I need to be feeling all serious and stuff, but I just can't manage to do it. Here I sit/lie in the arms of Mr. Hot Island-man... well I guess I'm between his legs too but I don't need to go there right now... totally forgetting whatever awful thing that happened to make me want to move here. I close my eyes and lean back against his shoulder, and I wonder if he's looking down my dress. Oh well, so what if he is?
     Bryce acts like he chooses his words carefully as he says, "I... don't... care... if Jesse's mad at me. I know him. He never stays mad at anyone for long. He's very easy to be around, and that's why he's my best friend."
      Well, that made me start feeling serious. "But..." I finally am going to get to say what I tried to say a minute ago, ".. I'm not just going to 'go away.' What's going to happen now?"
      "I have no idea," he answers truthfully. He doesn't try to lie I've realized. That was obvious last night. I like that. He continues, "I just know that I'm not about to let you... What was it you said? ...let you think that this is going to fail from the get-go." He exhales in a huff again, but this time it's like someone has punched him in the gut. "Just please don't push me away. You let me worry about Jesse."
     "But now it's going to be all weird around him and stuff," I point out.
     "Yeah, probably. At first. But he's still my best friend."
     "Some friend."
     We're quiet for a minute before he asks, "Erin, will you tell me what happened with you? With Sean. That's the bastard's name right? Why do you keep mentioning that you think you're ruining a friendship?"

      I feel myself involuntarily stiffen up. I don't like thinking about that day.
     "I wouldn't ask except to help me understand how whatever happened yesterday affects you. Remember? I said I'd help," he says.
      I don't want to think about Sean right now. This moment is so wonderful I don't want to sour it with memories of that day. Still, he is trying to help. He really... he really wants to know. He actually cares. A shuddering breath escapes me as I'm overwhelmed with too many emotions.
      "It's okay," he says. "You don't have to tell me if you don't really want to."
     Sounds like what I said, I think as I prepare myself for the story.
     "You know what? I was supposed to get married this month. We'd even ordered the invitations. Didn't get a refund on those."
      "You hadn't sent them out yet? When did this happen?" I see out of the corner of my eye him turn to look at me.
      "About three months ago," I answer. "It took a couple of months to sell our house. I couldn't leave until I had the money, so I lived at my mom's for a while. She's the only one who knows where I am."
     "What!" he exclaims. "Why?"
     "I don't want to be found," I explain. Then, before he can ask another question, I say, "I walked in on them in the act. It wasn't just what they were doing but also what they were saying." They were a hell of a lot more compatible I guess. "I can't repeat those things right now. But there, in front of me were the two people that mattered most to me... betraying me." I take a deep breath. "Um, Meredith and I had a similar situation you and Jesse have. We have the same taste. We got in fights sometimes in high school, but we still stayed friends through it all. I should've seen the writing on the wall, but I thought that my being engaged to him meant he was completely, absolutely, unquestionably off limits to her. Guess she disagreed."
     He's quiet for a while, I guess processing everything I told him. I'm so comfortable right now I could easily fall asleep. I just want to curl up into a ball and lay my head on his chest, but I don't because I like the way he's running his hand up and down my arm. I don't want that to stop.
     "What did he do when he saw that you'd walked in on them?" he asks me through my sleepy state.
     "What do you think? He went into a desperate apology, but I wasn't going to have it. The asshole didn't want to break up. I had to almost take him to court over selling that house until he finally just gave in. He acted all broken and stuff. Oh, but Meredith was there to put him back together. She happily took that on with a smug expression on her face. She got what she wanted."

     "So," he says, "for over two months, you had to live in that town with the two of them close by."
     "Yes."
     "And you say you don't want to be found."
     "Yes," I answer. He's quiet again. I don't know if I want to know what's going on in his head.
     His arms wrap around my waist, and he starts kissing me behind my ear. It's nice. I swear, if he keeps this up, all this that he's doing, I'm going to be nothing but a puddle and he's going to have to come mop me up and carry me home in a bucket.

     I turn my head a little. In a minute, I'm about to flip myself over, but he distracts me by talking.
     "The situation we're in right now, my beautiful Erin, is nothing like what happened then."
     Yep, a puddle.
     "It is," I argue.
     "No. It isn't." He leans over and kisses me near my mouth. "You were engaged. She'd been your best friend since you were six years old. That kind of betrayal runs deeper."
      I get quiet as I think about what he said. He's right. Somehow, I know he's right. I relax with this knowledge, and I'm again happy that I seemed to have found the perfect person to help me. Well, perfect for more than that, but still. And oh, the way he's acting right now...
     I reach up and take his sunglasses off him before gently laying them on the concrete at our feet. As I sit back up from putting them down, the look in his eyes stops me in my tracks. I was about to lie back against his chest again, but instead, he sits up and kisses me, not even caring that the park is starting to fill with tourists.