10: Sleep On It

     Ugh! Erin! What were you thinking! Hasn't he proven to you that he likes to move fast? Then, you invite him into your bedroom! Of course he's going to want sex!

     I sit up fully and think about everything I've learned about my new boyfriend today. My head still reels from the very fact that I HAVE a boyfriend. Every week? He had a new girl every week. He did say he wondered if he'd forgotten how to be serious. This may be more than I can handle.

     I do not want to move fast. I do not want to string him along.

     But I like him. I didn't really want him to leave, but obviously, it wasn't fair to him to ask him to stay if I wasn't willing to go all the way. We haven't even been an item for twenty four hours yet for goodness' sake! Item... that's funny.

     I hug my knees to me as I think about what he'd said some more. He'd said that he would've stopped at nothing to go after me. That's... kind of hot actually.

     The 'dibs' thing kind of pisses me off. Still, if I can step outside of myself for a sec I can understand why they have to do that if they want to stay friends yet have the same taste. How am I supposed to even be around my boyfriend's best friend now? Bryce doesn't even know he kissed me... I... sorta left that part out. I got distracted by all the other stuff.

      I can't be around Jesse. He crossed the line. But he's Bryce's best friend! Or, he was. I wonder what Bryce is going to do. He never said. I guess he got distracted too. 

     I hope they don't fight. I refuse to come between two best friends. I'm so damaged that it's amazing anyone wants me anyway.

     I get up to change into some sleepwear. Then a thought occurs to me that tells me I'm not getting any sleep any time soon.

      Resigned, I get up and make myself a quick cup of coffee. I have to sort this out. Oh ow. I don't want to do that. But I can't become another Sean. But Bryce makes me feel better. But I've come between him and Jesse. But Bryce's family likes me too; his sister said he hadn't introduced anyone as a 'girlfriend' for a long, long time. So, I'm obviously something special to Bryce. But he's been friends with Jesse for SIX YEARS! Yes, they've fought before, but they were all tourists... who went home, ending the argument I'm assuming. I am home.

       Am I selfish? I mean, I want to keep him because he makes me feel good, wanted, loved. How do I feel about him? Well, I figured out last night that I didn't want to lose whatever it is that we might have. So, what is that? Am I over-thinking this?

      Okay, let me simplify it for myself. One - I above all do not want to come between them. Two - I really like Bryce even though he's a player. They both are. 

      Oh. Shit.

      He pretty much told me that's what he did. Every week. He and Jesse... every damn week. So it's just more interesting this week since I'm not a tourist? Is this a fucking competition?! 

     So much for simplifying things.

     I can't do this!

     I put my now-empty cup on the floor and curl up into a ball in the chair and cry.

     "If I thought that Jesse really loved you then I wouldn't do a thing," he said. But... does that really mean shit? So... neither of them love me - duh - so yes, it's a fucking competition!

 Dear Diary,

      I have had one hell of a 24 hours. Going a little back -- there was that fantastic kiss, that I ran away from.. then the almost-speeding-ticket ride home on my scooter only to burst into tears on the floor. 

     This morning I went and sought out Bryce. His friend Lynne is more than meets the eye I think, but that's another ball of wax. WHEN I found Bryce, he acted angry at me until I admitted that I was having feelings for him (stupid me, but I'll get to that later). Then, oh dear God, Diary, it was such a wonderful day after that. What a wonderful charmer he is. I had the best morning and afternoon ever. I officially met his wonderful daughter and nice sister and brother-in-law and his nephew is a doll. BUT it's all a lie. A fucking lie! His best friend Jesse came over and made a pass at me, nay, tried to KISS me. Scratch that -- he DID kiss me. Obviously without my permission, but come to think of it, Bryce didn't exactly ask permission either. Ugh! I can't BELIEVE I told him to not apologize.

      You know what's the worst? He told me he wanted a serious relationship... right before telling me he thought he forgot how to be serious. Why didn't I see this then? Because I was caught up by those warm brown eyes and fantastic kissing ability.

     Well Diary, apparently these two fight over girls all the time, and Bryce actually bragged that he won most of the time. That is... unless he let Jesse have his DIBS. DIBS!!! Can you believe it? He called DIBS on me like I was a piece of furniture or a seat in a car!

     So, now what do I do? Well, I have to make a plan. I refuse to be taken in any more. I refuse to be a Sean. Question is... do I stay with the player or just flat out break up with him? I don't know. Maybe I'll sleep on that.

            Erin
 P.S. Except I'm afraid he touched my heart.

     I turn off my computer and head off to bed, heartsore and resigned.