83: Controlling My Emotions

     The shiny tiles under my feet reflect the electric lights above them, sometimes interrupted by a nurse or someone else walking by. Things are a lot calmer up here on whatever floor of the hospital this is than they were down in the ER. Thank goodness we didn't have to stay there.

     Nearby, Marie plays with Jer-jer, keeping the child entertained like a pro, while I sit here, useless.

     Bryce is with his sister in her hospital room. It's a small room, and I didn't want to take up space.  Adele has gone back and forth from me to her aunt, not quite knowing what to do. At first, she tried to help watch Jeremy but couldn't keep from crying. Marie told her that she'd be fine watching the toddler.

     Back at the house, everything exploded in slow motion as Simon fought to bring Pamela back around. When he did, her eyes opened wide with fear, and she gasped out, "The baby!" Then, she fainted again. Jesse and Bryce decided to drive her here themselves in Bryce's car with Simon holding her, thinking that'd be faster than waiting for an ambulance. The hospital isn't terribly far away from Pam's house. Desmond and Ginger brought everyone else later. By the time we got here, they'd already admitted Pam.

     Ginger didn't stick around long because she couldn't sit still and had worked herself into a panic attack. Desmond took her home with a promise to hear from Bryce or me if anything new had happened. Bryce called most everyone and found out Lynne has left the island for a few days.

     I tap my toes on the floor, one foot at a time, while I wait, scared for Bryce but thinking he doesn't want to see me right now. After I'd opened my present earlier, he'd opened his, some name brand sunglasses (that don't reflect back at me), and thanked me with a forced smile, but when Adele left the room, neither of us spoke. He went upstairs to play on the computer. Later, on the way to Pam's, he talked to me again, and I thought that the awkward, stressful moment had ended. But he hasn't spoken to me since.

     An exhausted sigh comes from down the hall, and I turn my head, hoping it's Bryce. It's not. Jesse comes loping towards us, his eyes on the floor. Mine go back to doing the same.

     I listen quietly as Jesse tells Marie, letting me also know, that Pam got a massive hemorrhage and lost the baby. The doctors say that she should be fine eventually after plenty of rest. My shoulders slump with the news, thinking how crushed she must be if she knows. We hadn't known for sure before what was wrong with her.

     "I… offered our help to babysit Jeremy," Jesse tells Marie like he worries this will upset her.

     "At your house?" she asks, not sounding like she minds.

     "No, he said we could go to his since all the stuff is there," he answers, and I hear Adele next to me.

     "Can I go too? I can help watch him," she quietly pleads, sounding like she's had enough of the hospital.

     "Of course you can!" Marie tells Adele brightly. "We'd love the help. Go tell your dad, though." I love how she makes it sound like she could really use the help and not suspecting that Adele just wants to escape.

     Marie is great with kids. I don't know how she does it.

     "Okay!" she tells my new best friend eagerly and runs off to tell Bryce.

     Jesse acts like his thoughts parallel mine (but obviously in a more romantic way) as he quickly and passionately kisses Marie. I look away. Then I hear Jeremy babble something to Marie, and the two of them break apart before she answers the toddler, somehow knowing what he said.

     I should go. Maybe if Bryce is still mad at me, I could sleep in Adele's room… or on the couch… or go back to my house… I wipe a tear from my eye before it can roll down my face.

     "Are you okay, Erin?" Jesse asks me. I didn't know he was looking at me.

     No. "Yes. I'm just tired," I lie quickly.

     After a slight pause, Jesse tells us, "I'll be right back."

     "Daddy said I could," Adele announces to him before he gets very far.

     "That's good. I'm gonna talk to him for a sec, run go get my car, and then we'll go," he responds.

     I could walk, I think in regards to how I'd get back to Bryce's house… or my house. I could call um… Belinda… or somebody.

     I miss Bill. I miss my brother. I could always count on him for stuff like this. I quickly work at controlling my emotions. I'd called him and Mom earlier while Bryce was upstairs on the computer, and he'd said he missed me too.

     "It'll be okay."

     I jump, startled, as Jesse sits next to me and wraps an arm around my shoulder, giving me a friendly, one-armed hug. Then, they all walk down the hallway to the exit, Marie saying something about going to the vending machines for a snack while they wait for Jesse.

     As their chatter gets farther and farther away, the scary almost-silence of the hospital wraps around me like a frayed, tattered blanket.

     Desperate for something to do now, I pull out my phone and check my email. Then, I check Facebook, something I haven't done in a while. Sean sent me a PM wishing me Merry Christmas, even though I'd un-friended him.

     I burst into tears.

     What's wrong with me?! Why am I crying?! So Bryce is mad at me. Things like this happen. It doesn't mean he hates me.

     Pam is going to be fine.

     Does Bryce even need me right now?

     If Bryce needed me to comfort him about his sister, he'd let me know, but he did nothing but give me the cold shoulder in the hospital room. Even if it wasn't because he's mad at me, he still doesn't need me. This isn't about me. He has his own problems and doesn't want my help.

     Why did he have to buy me jewelry and get it in that sized box?!

     Christmas sucks donkey testicles!

     I bring my lips in and lightly bite down on the inside while I urgently swing my legs back and forth. My hands tightly grip the vinyl cushion upon which I sit.

     I should go.

     After standing up, I make my way to the exit, wondering if I can catch one of the cabs.

     It's okay. It's okay. I'll go to my house. Bryce can let off steam or do whatever and not have to worry about pathetic me hanging around, getting on his nerves and making a bad situation worse with my presence.

     "Erin, where are you going?" I hear Bryce ask behind me a ways.

     Short breaths, eyes shut tight, I keep from losing it. "U-um, ho-ome," I answer, not turning to face him.

     Where the fuck is 'home'? My hands come up, and I run my fingers through my hair. Since Bryce says nothing else, I start walking again.

     "And how are you getting there?" he wonders, sounding closer.

     "I-I don't know. Walk. Maybe get lucky enough to find a cab. Call Belinda. Something." I keep walking.

     "That's fine. I guess you don't have to wait if you don't want to. I don't blame you."

     I let out a huff of air and turn around to face my boyfriend.

     He speaks since I don't. "Do you want to grab a bite to eat before you go? I mean, I know we have that leftover lasagna in the fridge, but it'd be nice to have something fresher."

     Why does that feel like he just asked me out? Have we gone backwards to that point?

     "No. It's okay. I'm not really hungry anyway. I had a pack of peanut butter crackers from the vending machine earlier."

     "Oh. All right. I'll see you later then," he says stiffly, and I walk out of the building into the warm night.

Bryce

     My heart aching, I walk to the window and watch as Erin gets in a cab. She'd mentioned walking, but I wasn't about to let her do that at this hour no matter how upset she is.

     She thought I was going to put her on the spot and ask her to marry me earlier today! And I very clearly saw her answer: no. It's not like I didn't know she wasn't ready; she's not. Still, that stung horribly. I had to go upstairs so I wouldn't say something stupid. She didn't bother following me; I probably scared her.

     I walk back into the hospital room, and Simon lifts his head up from where he'd apparently had it down on his folded arms. His bloodshot eyes silently look back at me.

     "Hey man, do you need anything?" I ask, hating seeing the pain and fear on his face. Pam had come close to dying, but those doctors somehow got everything under control. She's still bleeding, but they say she's stable.

     "No, and you should go," he says, his voice sounding stronger at the end than the beginning.

     "You sure?"

     "Yeah. I'm staying." His hand holds hers.

     I ask him to call me if anything happens, and he promises he will. Then I walk out of the room into the quiet hallway.

     I could've driven Erin home after all.

     She didn't want to be around me anyway.

     Well… too damn bad because we're having a talk when I get home. She won't like having that talk, but I need it after what I saw on her face earlier. I have to find out if she ever plans on getting married, if the idea has ever entered her mind, or if she's just using me as some boy toy. Not saying get married soon, just ever.

     "Erin?" I call out when I walk in the house, and there's no answer. Did she go to sleep? She looked tired earlier. Maybe the talk can wait. She really looked upset too.

     Wait…

     "Erin?" I call out again, this time a little louder. She doesn't answer as I bound up the stairs two at a time.

     When I run into the bedroom, the bed is still made… and empty.

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Sorry for the sub-par pictures.

82: Small Packages Hurt Feelings

Erin

    "Get up," I hear spoken softly near my ear.

     I grumble a wordless response and roll over.

     Bryce climbs over me to repeat in a sterner voice, "Get up."

     "You get up," I growl.

     "I already have. I'm surprised you didn't hear Adele whooping in the living room. She likes her new tablet," he tells me while his arms wrap around me. "I want you to open your present. It's been driving me crazy."

     "It'll be Christmas all day today, so give me a present now by letting me sleep," I say in a grouchy voice.

     He laughs a sexy laugh as he starts moving, kissing me down around my waist and moving down my hip.

     "Bryce…" I say in warning.

     "I can give you a present right now, but you won't be sleeping," he says in that uber-sexy voice of his as he pulls down the little shorts of my pajamas.

     "Bryce…"

     "But it's kind of a gift for me too, so maybe it's more of a shared thing," he continues, ignoring my warning as he pushes my hips to make me lie on my back beneath him.

     I whine now. "Bryce…"

     He starts pulling down my panties. "You said you didn't want to get up, so I'm doing what you want. You don't have to get up yet," he reasons as he ducks his head under my panties when they get to my knees. I feel his lips on my thigh.

     "Bryce! I'm tired," I beg.

     "Don't worry. You don't have to do anything."

      I gasp as his tongue circles my clitoris. "Bryce, please!"

     He lifts up a little to say, "Aw, baby, daddy just wants a little pussy for his Christmas breakfast."

     He really did just say that, I think, momentarily surprised that I'm shocked before Bryce dives in.

     The man always manages to surprise me by changing things up. This time, I'm alarmed by how far he can stick his tongue inside me while he pins my hips in place. I moan and cry out from his expert skill, and I start shuddering, feeling embarrassed by how quickly he could bring me to the plateau before the climax. He lets out a low, guttural sound when I come.

     "Shit, Erin, I want you," he groans, and he swiftly enters me. He groans again as my body flexes around his shaft.

     Already sensitized from earlier, the way he moves inside me makes me want to claw my way up the walls backwards because it's too good. His hips swivel around while he pushes my knees back, thrusting farther into me until I feel like the veins in my arms are pleasantly on fire. Still rocking into me, his hands move to fondle my breasts, squeezing them until that fiery feeling spreads everywhere, and I'm lost. I have no idea how many times I come like this. I have no idea how much time goes by. I have no idea where my body went because I'm just a ball of red-hot sensation.

     The next time I'm aware of my surroundings, Bryce lies next to me and gently kisses my face while brushing my hair away.

     I sound drunk as I say, "If that's what I get fer not gettin' up when you ask me to, I'll… do that again, um, be like that again… or somethin' like that. Yeah."

     Bryce laughs that seductive laugh of his, and if I could get my body to respond like I want it to, I'd lustfully attack him. As it is, I manage to throw my arm around the back of his shoulders and turn my head to kiss his sexy lips.

     "Well, you really do need to get up," he says humorously.

     "I don't know if I can," I say, sounding breathless but being all too serious.

     "Yeah, you can," he says like he doesn't believe me. "C'mon." He gets my hands and pulls me into a sitting position. Then, he lifts me up around the waist to put me on my feet. "There," he says triumphantly.

     This is ridiculous! I think as I say his name in worry that my knees and hips won't support my weight. He lets go of me, and I wobble a little before safely landing on my side, back on the bed. Weakling!

     "Erin…" Bryce calmly whines. He leans down and runs his hand up the back of my thigh to rest on my butt while I lie here, weak as a newborn kitten.

     "Not to feed your ego, but holy shit, Bryce," I say emphatically, and he chuckles. "Please, let me regain myself. I'll come downstairs as soon as I can. Promise," I tell him. "Apologize to Adele for me even if it's all your fault," I say teasingly.

     He makes an overly-dramatic, exasperated sigh and says, "If I have to."

     I let out a whimpering noise and turn my head into the mattress, feeling fantastically pathetic.

     "Erin, are you okay?" I hear Adele ask me when I walk into the kitchen later, and my cheeks flush. My cat Miley rubs my legs in welcome and meows at me knowingly.

     "Yeah, I'm fine. I was just very tired." I pull a jug of milk out of the fridge and smell it. It's gone bad, so I dump it into the sink before throwing the container in the recycling bin.

     "Present time!" Bryce announces happily from the hallway before walking into the kitchen himself.

     "Geez, Bryce. Let me have my coffee for Pete's sake."

     "It's not my fault you were so tired. I did everything I could to help you sleep last night."

     "La la la la la la la la la," Adele sings, sticking her fingers in her ears and dashing out of the kitchen.

     Bryce acts like he doesn't mind Adele's reaction and continues, "You're the one that decided to get up and write all night long," he facetiously points out, his eyebrows raising.

     "Yeah, my brain wouldn't shut up," I say, pretty much agreeing with him.

     My overactive mind jumps back to last week when I caught Adele acting depressed and asked her what was wrong. To my surprise, she told me in confidence that her little friend Todd had kissed her. After I promised not to talk to Bryce about it, we sat and talked about boys. She acted desperate to know that she wasn't weird for not wanting Todd to be her boyfriend. I told her I didn't have a boyfriend until I was sixteen. Of course, up until Sean, any time any guy would talk to me, especially in a flirtatious way, I'd clam up, blush, and do whatever I could to get away. Meredith never would mind because that got her more attention when she'd 'soften the blow.' Adele jumped all over that, letting it spill out of her about her friend Helen and how she wonders if she even knows her anymore.

     I hope I did okay and that Adele walked away feeling better about herself from our little talk.

     "Present. Time," Bryce emphatically demands, bringing me back to the here and now.

     "You sound like a little kid," I tell him, laughing.

     "I don't feel like a little kid," he mildly argues. "Don't you want to open your present?"

     Maybe I don't. My brow crinkles up in worry. Bryce hasn't let me so much as see the wrapped present he bought, claiming he hid it somewhere in the house. That he could so easily hide it bothers me; that implies it's small. Sometimes… small packages aren't the best, good things don't always come in small packages. Sometimes, small packages can start fights that only end in hurt feelings.

     "Sure," I say anyway, and he happily leads me into the living room while I work on not spilling my coffee.

     We'd set up the tree in the foyer since his little living room didn't have enough space. Adele was thrilled. Apparently, they'd not had one for several years. When I heard this, I gave Bryce a look to let him know that that was bad. He may have tried to hide it, but his daughter did see his depression these past few years because of the little things like that.

     Bryce reaches into the tree and pulls out a very small box, and my stomach falls through the floor.

     He's going to ask me right in front of his daughter who's having the best Christmas she's had in years. Shit! Bryce! How could you?!

     "Here," he says in a deep, loving voice and takes my coffee cup, placing it on the sideboard behind me. I wish he hadn't. My mouth is bone dry. I suppose he didn't want me spilling coffee everywhere with my shaking hands.

     How can you do this to me?! I mentally scream at him while I silently open the present. It's a small, velvet box. I can feel his warm eyes carefully studying me while I open it. Earrings.

     I can't stop my relieved breath as it escapes, and I know Bryce can read my expression like a book. When I glace at him for a second, he doesn't look happy. Then he plasters on a fake smile.

     "I thought the blue would match your amazing eyes," he explains with an 'I know what you're thinking' look.

     Small packages start fights. Small packages hurt feelings. One side always thinks the wrong thing.

     "Thank you," I say, hating the hurt anger I see in his eyes, and I hug him. His arms wrap tightly around my waist, a little too tightly, but I let him.
     He opens his present, designer sunglasses (that don't reflect back at me), and thanks me with a tense smile. After about ten seconds, he tells me he's going upstairs to play on the computer. I don't follow him.

     Later, we arrive at Pamela's a little after Jesse and Marie, and I get all mushy inside when I see how in love they are. When I greet Marie, she gives me an accusing look that confuses me.

     Once inside, Bryce and Jesse head to the back porch to talk with Simon while Adele runs off to play with baby Jer-jer. Pamela must be somewhere else in the house or not be feeling well because I don't immediately see her.

     Since we're alone for the moment, I turn to Marie and ask, "What's up?"

     She doesn't waste time. "Did you know?"

     "Um…"

     "Did you know and not tell me? Don't you think I'd rather hear about it from a friend instead of my father? Yes, so she's your cousin, but don't you know I've gotten over that and would rather hear about it from you?! Were you afraid to tell me?" she hurls at me.

     Oh. Shit. She means Cristina. I'd not wanted to even think about my cousin getting engaged for worry that I might talk about it and give Bryce the wrong idea.

     "I found out only a few days ago. I… should've told you, but I didn't know how," I explain slowly.

     "No, it's okay. It doesn't matter anyway," she quickly says, folds her arms in front of her, and plops down on the couch.

     "Well, obviously, it does matter. I'm sorry." I almost put a 'but' in, but I hate those kinds of apologies. Either you apologize or you don't; don't throw in an excuse inside the apology.

     "No. It's okay," she repeats and fumbles with a bracelet on her wrist.

     "Is that new?" I ask to change the subject, sitting down next to her and looking at the bracelet.

     She visibly brightens and tells me that Jesse got it for her. Before she can say more, Pamela walks down the hallway and greets us. She looks tired. Then, the doorbell rings.

     Pam goes to happily let in Ginger and Desmond. The redhead starts up at her mile-a-minute prattle while Desmond politely greets us and escapes to the back porch.

     "Do you see what I see?" Marie mumbles to me, and I immediately get a song in my head.

     "See what?" I ask, but she doesn't get a chance to answer me.

     "Guess what?!" Ginger squeals as she bounds over to us. "I didn't tell you at Adele's party because I didn't want to take the focus away from her, but Desmond and I are getting married!"

     Now, I see what Marie was talking about. Ginger throws her ring finger in our faces so fast I have to back my head up a little so I can focus on the gargantuan thing. How I missed it before I'll never know.

     Oh, great. An engaged couple. Just what I need, I think selfishly and also realize what this means for Marie as well. I smile and congratulate Ginger, hiding my true feelings.

     Pam makes an aggravated noise in the kitchen. "I go away for three days, three days, and the man misplaces everything!"

     "What did I do this time, baby?" Simon asks when he walks in the room.

     "The colander. Where the hell is the colander?!" she snaps at him, and he immediately starts trying to find it, asking her to calm down.

     The other guys walk in, and Ginger quickly asks them if Desmond had told them.

     "And steal your thunder? Now why would I do that?" Desmond asks her with an amused smirk.

     She immediately tells Bryce and Jesse, and they congratulate her… and I want to crawl into a hole and hide. I feel Bryce looking at me, but I don't dare check to see if I'm right. The air around me starts getting thicker, and my knees shake the tiniest bit.

     "Baby? Are you okay?" I hear. But it's not Bryce, and the voice isn't addressing me.

     I turn my head and see Pam standing in her kitchen and holding her middle, her face very white.

     "What's wrong?!" Bryce calls out as her eyes roll to the back of her head and Simon catches her.

     "Call an ambulance!" Simon yells.